15 – Untangling the Mind: Letting Go of Loaded Topics

0:03Shailia StephensSo hello and welcome back to a new episode of Time for You, where you get to chill, relax, and take a moment to nurture your loving presence and your own well-being. So welcome. My name is Shelley-Ann Stephens. I'm near Frankfurt am Main in Germany, and this is my lovely colleague, Leah Vandley.

0:24Lea WernliHi.

0:26Shailia StephensAnd Lea is in Zurich, Switzerland, if you don't know. So we're about— how far are we apart? About 4 hours. Yeah, in the car driving.

0:33Lea WernliThat's very close by our heart.

0:39Shailia StephensVery close.

0:41Lea WernliIt's very close.

0:42Shailia StephensYeah. Thank you for saying that, just in case I forgot. Yeah. So guys, I wanted to talk today a little bit about loaded topics. And I've been waiting for a while to have the opportunity or a platform to explore it because I have come across loaded topics myself as a coach in the last 15 years quite a bit. I didn't really call it that. I think I had a different wording for it. Leah, I know you have probably your own terminology for it. So I wanted to talk about it. a personal perspective, but maybe also a little bit from the coach's perspective.

1:23Lea WernliLet's see.

1:24Shailia StephensLet's just see what happens. It's an exploration, if you will. So I might say it also in a couple of different ways just so people can hear it differently.

1:32Lea WernliMm-hmm.

1:33Shailia StephensSo I was having, um, a conversation a couple of weeks ago with Coach Grace Kelly, not the actress Grace Kelly, not the— what was she? She wasn't a queen. She was a She was married to—

1:47Lea WernliThe Fürsten.

1:48Shailia StephensThe Fürsten, oh God, the Duchess, right? Or I don't know what it's called in English anyway. But Coach Grace Kelly, and we were doing a one-on-one coaching, and I really enjoy as a coach having my own coach and the time to explore some like different stuff. And Grace was sharing with me about she had some different things that were on her mind, some certain commitments and some relationships and some other questions. You know, as a human being, you have just some things you're wondering about, and she was kind of having a little bit of meditation, and Grace likes to talk with her spiritual team and say, hey, can you show me some direction?

2:34Give me some answers on these, you know, few questions that I have, and One of the questions she had was about what to eat and health or something along that matter. And then she said to me, well, then I quickly let go of that question because I know that that's a loaded topic for me. So what that means is that Grace, as long as I've known her, she has sort of habitual thinking around her weight, how she looks, what she should eat to maintain her weight and to look a certain way.

3:20And it's something that is loaded because it's just habitual. And she knows that asking questions around that area most of the time has nothing to do with wisdom or where she's actually looking from an inner space. Does that make sense, Leah?

3:39Lea WernliYep.

3:40Shailia StephensYeah. And I could really resonate with that because over the years, especially when I was doing business and marketing, I would have people come in. And this is the irony of the situation. So I did a lot of positioning, helping people to get really clear on who they're serving as a coach or a consultant or you know, a service provider and what their expertise was, like how they were going to talk about their work clearly so other people could understand the results of working together and so forth.

4:15And people would come into the strategy calls or the clarity conversations. They all have different names. It's like that time where you meet with clients for complimentary call that they can get to know you and you can find out what's on their mind. And a lot of times people would book me to get their positioning clear, to get their strategy clear, their communication clear. And I would find out either in the clarity call or just within the first or second call after that it was exactly an area that would be a loaded topic.

4:54So in my experience, Leah, and I'm really interested to see how you see it, I would then know, oh, these loaded topics usually don't get anyone anywhere, right? It's like I, when I was in the 3 years looking for my positioning, the first 3 years after my business, I paid so much money. I can't even tell you how much mentoring, coaching, consulting that I booked to get my positioning clear. And no matter how great the person was, no matter how expert they were in helping people find their positioning, I never got an answer on it.

5:36Because very oftentimes, these loaded topics are not real. They're, they're either things that are not really ripe, they're not ready to look at, they're not ready to go. You're just getting a hit on them because something's coming in the future and you're trying to figure it out now. Or it's just some habitual thinking you've got going on, like about the thing you need, and no amount of engaging on the level at which that problem was created is going to solve that problem.

6:05Lea WernliMm-hmm.

6:06Shailia StephensAnd so it's kind of like I wanted to just chat about it and see what you see about that, Leah. I almost tend these days to totally turn my attention away from a loaded topic completely. And the hard thing about that is it's the thing that often looks the most compelling to look at right now in your life, right? So how do you see that? What are you hearing in all of that?

6:46Lea WernliThat sounds really strange, and I know it doesn't look like that at the beginning at all. And I'm really, really, really grateful that I have a group right now with people who are not in my community for a long time, that I met, but they felt something and they really wanted to change or see more. And with them, I started to see like the loaded topics again, like, um, how they react on certain things. Because in my world, it— that's what I meant by it seems a little strange Nowadays, they're almost love letters, but for real. Like when I want to think about ethical, ethical, whatever.

7:53Shailia StephensEthical topics, like political topics or whatever.

7:58Lea WernliYes, what's right, what's wrong. Then I just know, oh, here we go, here we go again. And I know where I am and not at all that there is something to see in it for me. So probably It sometimes mixed up the topic and the habitual thinking. Like, the habitual thinking has a certain quality to it. Somehow we start to know how it feels like, oh, it's kind of this ongoing habitual thinking. And me too. I really, most of the time, do not want to go there.

9:09And it's very interesting now that you brought it up. I, in the most of the time, just right now I have something with someone going on, but most of the time, even with my clients, It's not, it's, I'm even happy when they see what their problem is. And problem, I, I, what I mean is what they are thinking about the most of the time.

9:46Shailia StephensSo what their loaded topics are.

9:48Lea WernliWhat their loaded topics are, because then I see How they see the world and where the misunderstanding is and maybe a door, a way in. And often in the very loaded topics or problems, there is also wisdom. Um, And I just know I'm able to explore it and to listen deeply to get them, to know them, to feel into their world without having been able to solve it because I know the, the talking about life and the principles and how we work will solve whatever needs to be solved or not.

10:56Shailia StephensExactly. No, that's very well put. Yeah, yeah.

11:00Lea WernliAnd sometimes it looks real. Of course it does. And To have this compassion for ourselves and the other ones. And I said it, I think, last time, to honor the human experience and this brain who does funny things and wants to help and gets caught up in Whatever. And being okay with that too. But I'm— we already talked about it, I think, also on this podcast. I, I'm so fed up with the dark, repetitive, ongoing, loaded topic thinking of my Brain and the habitual thoughts around it, I often, most of the time, couldn't care less. There is just nothing to see for me.

12:20Shailia StephensMhm.

12:23Lea WernliAnd that's the very cool thing. And I can have an insight into something even A loaded topic.

12:34Shailia StephensFor sure, for sure.

12:35Lea WernliAnd just try, create, do, experiment, but in life, not in my head, and see how it goes and how life is up for it, how I'm up for it, and then on the go figure things out. So that's nowadays for me the funnier, the cooler, the easier, the lighter way to be in life.

13:17Shailia StephensYeah, totally, totally. We were, Sandra and I were working on this mastermind idea last week, just playing around, just kicking around some cans on it. And one of the things that came up for me was also this idea of sometimes that's really the best way to either get rid of a loaded topic or get insight on a loaded topic is to get back in your life, right? And this was in the business context, like, you know, the thing you're circling around, whether it be the perfect wording for your website or who knows what you're brain is, you know, circling around about is just to get present, get back in your real life, live, right?

14:01Drink Kool-Aid, walk in the woods, um, be with your friends, um, you know, just find your way back to life itself.

14:12Lea WernliYeah.

14:13Shailia StephensAnd, and sometimes it's astonishing then to see how we can then suddenly see more clearly what's real and what's not real.

14:23Lea WernliMm-hmm.

14:25Shailia StephensAnd I feel like today's episode is like, I want to make it a public service announcement, you know, like, like I would have been grateful back then, just as an example, in those 3 years looking for my positioning and the years before, it was something else I was, you know, completely focused on. If someone had even just told me you know, there are these loaded topics, and there's probably not a lot for you to see in there, maybe nothing at all. That would have been just— even that would have been so helpful for me just to hear, hey, we think, and the things our brain grabs onto is a bit random.

15:07And consciousness makes everything look compellingly real. And it's so easy to get lost in that, you know. Um, it's so simple, um, but so important in a human life to know that.

15:21Lea WernliYeah, totally. And for me, that's Also, the, the whole topic you, you were pointing at at the beginning, like, I have a question and I'm waiting for an answer. I, that, I didn't mean it like that. It's like, yeah, sometimes we have questions, but most of the time the questions do not need any answers.

16:00Shailia StephensYeah.

16:04Lea WernliSo I don't do anything with the questions. And I've got a lot more time for life, as you said, and creation and exploring and trying out and, and real-time experimenting with the things, because then you see, does it work or not?

16:29Shailia StephensYeah.

16:29Lea WernliOh, it didn't. So, okay, what next? What needs to be different? And without being attached to the outcome, we always feel secure and insecure. Even when we get it right, we will feel secure and insecure. So therefore we just can walk and feel secure and insecure and not sit down and think about feeling secure or insecure. Or the need falls away to figuring it out before so that you do not feel insecure because That will never happen.

17:22Shailia StephensYeah.

17:23Lea WernliAnd that's kind of, it sounds like a bad thing, but it is actually a cool one because you don't have to worry about that anymore.

17:35Shailia StephensReally, really good. Yeah, really good. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, that's it, right? I want to just reiterate that before we end it, which is You know, I think that's, that's it, right? We think if we answer that loaded question or that loaded topic, we solve it, we figure it out, we're going to feel secure or better or happier or richer or skinnier, whatever the thing. And actually, no, that's not what— that's not where security comes from.

18:09Lea WernliRight.

18:10Shailia StephensAnd yes, we're always going to feel secure and insecure in a wave, like a sinus curve. Right. So true. So true. Yeah. So you can let go of that. You don't have to worry, be fearful, like, because I think that's what the brain does sometimes too. It says, if I don't figure this out, then I'm not going to be okay.

18:29Lea WernliYeah.

18:30Shailia StephensYeah. And so it's scared to let go of it. Really scared to let go of it. Afraid what might happen. Yeah. So cool. Thank you, Leah, for that conversation. That was so cool. So yeah, guys, I'm going to close this off today.

18:48Lea WernliYes.

18:49Shailia StephensI think it's much better when Leah does it, but I'm going to do this. Thanks for listening in today. We hope you heard something for yourself that moves something within you. And if you enjoyed the podcast, follow us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, or Google. Also our website, you can go there and follow us there too. Wherever you found the link to come today, share this with anybody who you think would just have fun listening in while they're doing the laundry or having a cup of tea, or where you think, hey, yeah, they could really benefit as well from the understanding of the 3 principles, which is the direction we're also always pointing in some way or another.

19:29So thank you, Sydney Banks. Thank you, Leah.

19:32Lea WernliThank you, guys. Thank you, Shelia. Bye.

19:36Shailia StephensBye, guys. See you next time.