22 – Who We Are When Nobody's Watching

0:03Lea WernliHello and welcome back to Time for You. I'm Lea Wendtli and I'm sitting here in Zurich and on Zoom with my friend Shaleah Stevens. She is in a small, cool German village near Wiesbaden.

0:21Shailia StephensNow you're hyping up Epstein now, Lea.

0:26Lea WernliEpstein, Epstein. And we just have a morning together and it's so much fun to spend it together and for you. So yeah, what are we talking about today? We wanted to talk about who are we when nobody is watching. And Celia is a nerd with glasses.

0:55Shailia StephensYeah, like I'm just waiting for a chance. So you won't see this if you're on the podcast. Because you will only be listening. But we do, we do post all of the videos, by the way, to my YouTube channel. So Leah got these. Yeah, we wanted to share some personal stuff. So Leah got these really cool glasses in Berlin. So she's like a hipster. You don't know this about Leah. She's actually a wild child, even though she looks like a really sweet middle-aged lady most of the time.

1:22And I was like inspired to get her glasses, like, as you can see on the screen right now, that she's wearing them. And so I was trying to get my version of these, but they just were not working. working out. And this morning, Leah gave me an analysis of why this is the case and what I need to do. But, you know, it's like something about— Leah, you're younger than me. What is your age right now? Are you—

1:42Lea WernliI'm 46. I'm turning 47 in October.

1:47Shailia StephensOkay, so I'm 49 going on 50 this year. And I've been dreaming of these, like, big, bold statement glasses. And so when nobody's looking, I'm on the phone with Leah trying to figure out what looks good. So yeah, we got it figured out. We're gonna get it, get it all worked out. But that's not the real topic, Lea. You wanted to talk about it from a different perspective. So what do you mean by that?

2:10Lea WernliSo, um, who are we when nobody's looking or watching? So is there, do you do, do we do something else or different when we're alone and not in public, not with our families, not, I mean, Just for ourselves. And I don't know why this came to mind, but I, I love to read, for example, still do. I didn't read a book for, I think, 4 years after I came across the principles. It was just mind or an insight. I was addicted to reading as well, in a way. It was one getaway for not feeling like I—

3:02Shailia StephensEscapism.

3:04Lea WernliEscapism, exactly. It was a very cool one because everybody was so proud of me that I read so much, and it was so easy to hide with my books wherever. So, but still, now I— it came back and I, I read again. I read A lot and different things. And sometimes I read, um, really cheap novels too, like in, in Switzerland or in Germany they were called 3 Groschen Romane, like just— there is another way, chick lit, I think, in England.

3:48Shailia StephensLike romance novels?

3:49Lea WernliRomance or Mystery. Or teenage coming of age, or mystery, fantasy, but kind of very simple stories. And it's just other people are looking YouTube videos or scrolling on Insta, or my boys love to watch fails, and I just love to read this cheaper— not cheap, I mean, it's okay, every story has the right to exist, but, um, it's not literature. And I, um, when I was younger, I was not ashamed at all. And then there was a time I was a bit ashamed of it, and now again, I'm not ashamed of it anymore at all.

4:37Shailia StephensMm-hmm.

4:38Lea WernliAnd so who am I when I'm alone? And I probably— what I saw, we did an We did a German podcast once about being a verb or being a noun. And, and what I think is really interesting, that I feel I'm, I'm more of a verb alone because nobody has— there is no role. There is no mother, business owner, coach. um, Leah, middle-aged women even, whatever.

5:23Shailia StephensYeah.

5:24Lea WernliThere is just me being in life. And I, I'm often aware of verb too with other people, but there are roles or there are characters we take on or personalities or things we do a certain way.

5:45Shailia StephensYeah.

5:45Lea WernliAnd, and all by myself, I always sing. I'm sorry, I've got an ADHD brain, and these brains tend to have like loop songs. So, um, and to, to bring that verbness, that being a verb Even more into, like, every situation. Like, is it possible to not act, react, fulfill a role even with others? A little bit more? A tiny bit? Just, I don't know. That's what I want to discuss.

6:34Shailia StephensYeah. Oh my gosh, Leah, I hear so much in that. First and foremost, that's maybe one of the reasons I love to be alone. I love to be alone so much. It's almost crazy how much time I spend by myself.

6:52Lea WernliMm-hmm.

6:53Shailia StephensAnd I think a really big part of that is just definitely letting go of all of whoever I think I'm supposed to be when I'm outside in the world with other people. And it doesn't even matter if it's within my home. It's like, even when my, my husband is in the house, I go downstairs, and then I'm, I'm different. Because, you know, we're in the same space. And I feel like, you know, he's, he has maybe some expectations of what he wants to experience, or like, whatever.

7:30It's subtle. It's, it's very, it's very tiny. It's not— like a big thing. But I'm very much aware of being sort of on, being on, being more aware of the other person. And maybe, and maybe too, that for me is kind of growing up in a familial situation where I had to kind of always be on alert, you know, aware of the moods everybody had and how to navigate that to be safe, I guess.

7:58Lea WernliMhm.

7:58Shailia StephensSo the minute I come into contact with other people, I'm sort of like a little bit more on alert and like, what mood are they? I'm super conscious of people's moods because of that. So being alone for me is a totally relaxed state of being where I can let that alarm, those alarm bells, that alertness kind of fall down. And I think I think this last year for me, and we've talked about it in a couple of different contexts, is really also starting to be more and more aware of exactly that. Like, how much of my real self—

8:41Lea WernliHmm.

8:41Shailia StephensLike, and who knows who I really am? I mean, I don't want to, I don't want to get that really philosophically deep about it, but I'm just going to use the words, letting who I really am sort of flow out and flow into kind of everything else that I'm doing, whether it's interactions with clients, whether it's in our podcast, like that we decided we wanted to have real conversations and not just like we're the teachers and you're listening to us speak, you know, kind of a thing.

9:12Lea WernliTotally.

9:13Shailia StephensAnd for sure, every time that that I'm able to do that, I feel— I feel I have a mixed bag of feelings.

9:27Lea WernliMm-hmm.

9:28Shailia StephensIt feels good in a way when that can happen. And I see the difference in relationships and how people react to you when you just show up more of yourself than you did yesterday. And there's also something a little dangerous in that. There's something a little questioning when, when I hang up the Zoom, uh, button and I think, oh, maybe I showed a little too much of who I really am.

9:59Lea WernliYeah. I love that so much, Celia, that you shared that. And I mean, we just can play with that in a way. Like, maybe it's really true that we are safe. And everything is whole and, and already there. And what if, what if it's really, really, really true?

10:23Shailia StephensMhm.

10:24Lea WernliThen, woo!

10:26Shailia StephensYeah.

10:29Lea WernliWe can show up as a verb or more as a, from the essence or very authentic and And from there, as a verb, and, or, or as your true self, however you want to, to call it, you're also able to navigate these uncertain feelings, you know? Yes, of course. I, I was dancing yesterday in the streets. I just, I did listen to a song and I was in the rain and I was just like And, and suddenly I, I saw some construction worker really looking at me like this weird— not like, whoa, cool, more like, whoa, weird. And it was a moment, and then I felt, yeah, and I can handle the uncertain feelings as well. And I also can handle that you think I'm crazy or nuts or strange. How cool.

11:40Shailia StephensHmm.

11:41Lea WernliSo yes, it's not going to be all party and rainbows when we show up and when we are kind of more direct from this place. But the resilience as well shows up in a, in a broader way when we are coming from there.

12:08Shailia StephensYeah. Yeah, I think that's definitely, that's definitely true. And I'll tell you a little anecdote. And then, and then I want to share something that I, that I heard Sydney Banks say recently, because I was watching a video of him speaking together with a client the other day. But I even, I even had it last week. Last week, I flew to the south of France. By the time you hear this podcast, because we're doing them every 2 weeks now, so it might be quite a bit away that that actually happened. Like, don't write me and say you were last week in France. By then, several months ago.

12:43Lea WernliBut we're not doing it right now. And you hear it tomorrow. So just to be honest, just to be honest. Yep.

12:49Shailia StephensSo right now in this time and space, last week, I flew to France. And I met with Sandra Heim there. Well, we talked about it on a recent podcast for the photo shooting. And even there, they are like, you know, Sandra and I, we have been in contact for years. She was first my client, and then she became sort of my cooperation partner. We, we led groups of like 30-35 people over 9 months in our Beyond program. Like, we spent a lot of time together planning the content.

13:21We've been doing the podcast for years. We, we, we show up, we meet every week on Tuesday. So you would think by now, like, I'm fully myself with Sandra, and then I was at her house. And, um, you know, I was just like, okay, let— I, I really was feeling like, oh, I'm just showing more of who I really am from day to day. Um, but it got really uncomfortable because I, I would— I became really aware that, you know, for whatever reasons, however ways we judge ourselves for whatever we're doing, um, like if I feel like I'm being too chatty and not listening enough to the other person, if I feel like I'm being too silly, um, and, and sharing, you know, some of my weird ideas or things that I love or whatever the thing.

14:13I remember even then being kind of like, oh, you've slipped out of the persona that you usually present when you're doing business cooperation kind of stuff. And I remember feeling, you know, kind of insecure about that. Also coming home like, oh, I hope she still likes me as much as she liked me before I went to her house, you know, kind of a thing.

14:33Lea WernliI know.

14:34Shailia StephensIsn't that crazy? Like, I'll be 50 this year and still and still having that insecurity about belonging, um, and being liked or appreciated as who, who I really am, right?

14:48Lea WernliI know, I know. And I mean, and we won't be liked by everyone. I mean, that's the thing. We have best friends, or probably people that are in the, in And we don't need to be liked by everyone as well. What to say? I wanted to say something, but I can't remember. It was more in the— we don't have to share everything personal, and we can still be more authentic. You know what I mean?

15:26Shailia StephensYeah.

15:27Lea WernliWith you, I mean, you know everything from me.

15:31Shailia StephensYeah.

15:33Lea WernliI'm quite messy. I'm— actually, I always want to take care of me when I'm at hers because I'm not good in the whole household thing. She cooks for me. I really love it. And we, we, we've seen each other naked in a way.

15:49Shailia StephensYeah.

15:50Lea WernliAnd still love each other. And also, we don't want to have that with everyone.

15:59Shailia StephensNo.

15:59Lea WernliI mean, of course not. I don't want to have that with the lady in, in the bakery or with a business corporation or whatever. But what I want is, um, being able to, to, to, to uh, walk mask-free in a way.

16:26Shailia StephensYeah, yeah.

16:26Lea WernliYou know what I mean? So we, we, we can have different possibilities of, of closeness or different stages of privacy with each other.

16:42Shailia StephensPrivacy, trust, yeah.

16:43Lea WernliBut I, I'm, I'm on the path of not being masked. And somehow it happened to me when, when I had like a, for myself and my life, a big insight. I, it was just ripped off in a way. The ego was quite shattered.

17:07Shailia StephensYeah.

17:08Lea WernliSo this persona didn't exist anymore. And still it re— it does rebuild itself somehow, but different. I'm— I think you know me quite well and you see me in very different environments, and I often choose myself. Yeah. And still not all of the people see my mess, or as you do, or my best friends, or my husband.

17:40Shailia StephensYeah, yeah, totally.

17:42Lea WernliDoes that make sense?

17:43Shailia StephensTotally makes sense. Of course it does. Um, Yeah, they're like, they're like different levels. There's different levels of closeness, and still being on the path to becoming maskless, right? Regardless, kind of regardless of the role you're in at the moment. That's what I'm hearing from that. And what I wanted to share, what I, what I heard Sydney Banks say.

18:06Lea WernliMm-hmm.

18:07Shailia StephensSo I, I got this link on a group with Grace, and I followed it. And it was really quite a nice— I'll see if I can find it and put it in the show notes, with Sydney Banks talking for like a good 37 minutes. You know, sometimes they're really just short, like 10 to 15 minutes. And anyway, one of the things that he said within the first 25 minutes of watching it with, with my client was something like, he was talking about his enlightenment experience. And he was talking about how before he had that experience, that he was a deeply insecure person, and he had this sort of view of the world being dangerous.

18:49Lea WernliRight?

18:50Shailia StephensAnd then he had this sort of awakening, and he was, he was comparing it to sort of like a computer, a program on a computer, and how before the program on his computer was one of insecurity and fear of the world. And then afterwards, that just completely got erased. And he was able to have a new program to how he, how he saw himself in the world. And And he proceeded to talk about, like, how things that look so solid to him, like the place where he was born and grew up, when he went back to visit it in his older years, like, with this new program, it looked like a place he had never been to.

19:37Like, people were like, are you sure this is where you were born and grew up? Because the way you're here being in it, like, it's like everything he's seeing new for the first time in a whole different way than he'd been talking about it in the past to friends like Elsie, who knew him before the experience, and so on. And the reason that I'm sharing that is, is because it really gave me a moment of hope. It's like that, that, that feeling of educated faith that we talked about in the community and thinking, okay, even in this situation of the possibility of being more and more maskless every day, it can, it can happen that we just change the program. And we've got— we just get a new one.

20:18Lea WernliYes.

20:18Shailia StephensAnd, and that That felt really amazing to me, that possibility. So that's what I'm— I was thinking of when we were talking about that, becoming more and more of who you are when no one's looking.

20:30Lea WernliYeah, and it can change the whole program, or we can just update it. Yeah, as well, like both. And yeah, it's so funny because I am in this online space, and I love I, I love a lot of things. I'm often just drawn to learning and seeing, and— but with this understanding, it's totally different. But a lot of these manifestation teachers, they speak about being a new self.

21:06Shailia StephensYeah.

21:08Lea WernliAnd I— yeah, of course we can be whoever we want to be in a way. And, and we don't have to be, uh, new because we're always new in a way. Yeah.

21:28Shailia StephensYeah, that's true.

21:30Lea WernliSo cool.

21:33Shailia StephensUh, really cool topic, Leah. I like— I really like talking about things that are so everyday, you know. I think I think that's really meaningful. Um, thank you, thank you for sharing that, for letting me share.

21:48Lea WernliThank you. So if you— no, no, probably, maybe, hopefully you heard something for yourself. And, um, yeah, if— I mean, if you want to, you also could give us some stars. And rate it so more people—

22:12Shailia StephensLeah, you're going for it today. Yeah, go for it.

22:15Lea WernliListen to the podcast, and, um, you could do that on Apple Podcasts, for example, or you can listen on Spotify, on— or on our website. So, um, just— it's a pleasure to be here with Shelia and to talk with her for you and for us, and see you next time.

22:38Shailia StephensBye. See you next time. Bye, guys.