55 – Why Noticing Your Triggers Can Change Everything

0:02Lea WernliI have to laugh again, sorry. Hi and welcome back to Time for You. Yeah, I know we are a bit crazy and it is like that. We just hang out, we are friends, and hopefully you enjoy hanging out with us today. So it's so, so cool that you are here. So thank you. I'm Lea Wendtli, and I'm with my friend Shelia Stevens.

0:32Shailia StephensHi everybody.

0:33Lea WernliSo she has a topic, and it's about reactivity. Did I say it? Yeah.

0:43Shailia StephensYou did, but that is a potential word that you can take in another direction. I know.

0:48Lea WernliSo I'll— yeah, I'll shut my mouth and we listen to Shelia.

0:55Shailia StephensSo Leah, as you know, while you and I were on a little break, the two of us, you know, you did some podcast episode with, uh, Dr. Orit Eshel. Hi, Orit, if you're listening in.

1:07Lea WernliHi, it was great.

1:09Shailia StephensAnd thanks for hopping in for me. And then I had some podcast episode, um, so it's without you, one with Sandra Liana Brown, which was such a beautiful, deep-feeling episode. And last week I spoke with, um, Jean Catherine Gray, and she is a PhD and she— in psychology, and she runs the Innate Health Research Group together with Anita, um, I can't remember her last name. Sorry guys, my perimenopause brain just doesn't work sometimes at all. McGinty is her last name.

1:42Lea WernliMm-hmm.

1:42Shailia StephensAnita McGinty. And it was so interesting, Leah, because I saw something in that conversation that I kind of knew, but I didn't really know. You know how that can happen?

1:53Lea WernliTell me. Yeah.

1:55Shailia StephensSo she was talking a little bit about, um, the research that they do in schools, in prisons, in vulnerable populations like the homeless. Um, and I had read some of the synopsis to her studies, and, um, I'd read, you know, some of the Overlying reports that she had put out. And there was a word in there that was used, which was, there was a reduction in, or so I can't put it all together. There's like an increase in well-being with the person after they've been on a short-term course to learn about the Three Principles.

2:40And in the different environments, there were different courses that they were taking. there was an increased well-being, and there was a decrease in reactivity and violence and some other things, right? And I read those words and I was just— it didn't really do anything for me. I was just like, reactivity, okay, reactivity. And then I thought, well, if you're in a prison and you're in there for a high level of reactivity, like you've maybe blown up on the inside, you have this huge—

3:13Lea WernliMm-hmm.

3:14Shailia Stephensflooding tsunami of a thought storm of anger, hatred, or whatever. Maybe you killed somebody else in that moment, right? That's what I kind of got out of that word reactivity when I read it for the first time. And then when Jean Catherine was talking— and guys, if you haven't heard it yet, go back and listen to the episode because it's a brilliant episode— She was talking a little bit more about reactivity And it just clicked in my mind for whatever reason. And since then, I've been looking at my own reactivity differently than I was before.

3:52Lea WernliTell me more.

3:54Shailia StephensYeah, so, so on our last podcast episode, I was talking about some of the things going on in the Africa Project and how we were lacking in funds. And there had been a little You know, some people were feeling some stress in the project because of that funding lack, even though we're all 3 principles based, we're humans, you know, we get caught up in our thinking sometimes. And then sometimes in the stress of those moments, people would act a certain way.

4:24They would behave a certain way, like they might be getting arrogant or bully or— um, bestimmt. What is the word? Um, you know, saying what to do, like with finger, finger, fingers wagging, you know, kind of a thing. Um, whatever. And I really felt like this sense of, you know, it's like a— try to, try to say it the right way— like a fire inside of me.

4:58Lea WernliMm.

4:59Shailia Stephensthat explodes up into my chest, then up into my face. And then automatically I'm in this reactive state.

5:11Lea WernliMm-hmm.

5:11Shailia StephensAnd the thinking behind it is we're not supposed to act that way. We're supposed to stay loving. We are supposed to be kind. We're supposed to be respectful. Like, I have some very strong opinions of how we're supposed to act in life.

5:29Lea WernliYeah.

5:29Shailia StephensParticularly in a 3 principles environment.

5:31Lea WernliYeah.

5:32Shailia StephensWe need to stay in a good feeling, you know, like, um, those kinds of things, not let our, not let our thoughts take overhand, um, get out of, out of control and really being in this inner state of, I'm not putting up with this. I'm not accepting this type of behavior.

5:51Lea WernliBehavior. Yeah.

5:53Shailia StephensYeah.

5:53Lea WernliYeah.

5:54Shailia StephensAnd. I could feel myself, and this was after the interview with Jean Catherine. So it's like the first time after she, that word reactivity went into my vocabulary after she started to speak about it, where I really became conscious and noticing of how my reactivity works. And when it would boil up and my face would get red and my ears would start ringing, I felt like adrenaline in my body. I would either Have the feeling I just need to shut down.

6:24I can't say anything because if I say something, it's going to be really mean, really strong and powerful, and and totally wipe the other person off of the planet. You know, or I'm going to go into I'm going to power up, defense up, and just be like.

6:47Lea WernliYeah.

6:47Shailia StephensAnd it was so interesting. And I, I really was like an observer from the outside of myself observing this reactivity happen. And usually I don't have any control over it. It just, it happens so darn fast. It's like, whoop, and it's already happening, right? And the only thing I can do after is to be like, sorry about that. I apologize. Like, I don't know where that came from kind of a thing. And this time I had a little bit of, a little tiny bit extra space.

7:22Lea WernliMm.

7:23Shailia StephensYou know, there's a little distance between my pure consciousness observing my personal self that I was able to at least act a little differently than I usually do. So, sorry. And then after that, I started to notice every day in my life, Leah, how much reactivity I have to things. Whether it's, um, the other day I was walking the dogs and there's this lady on the, on the dog walk and I've, I've seen her a couple of times. I came out, it was like early morning because it's been so hot. And so I've been trying to get the dogs out at like 7 in the morning and I'm out there and I'm half asleep, you know, just got one eye open, one eye closed.

8:12Lea WernliAnd I hear, I have my headphones on.

8:15Shailia StephensI was listening to a podcast, but I hear out of somewhere something screaming, Z, as in, hey you, put your dogs on a leash.

8:23Lea WernliHmm.

8:24Shailia StephensYou know, and like really loud. And, um, it had happened earlier in the week and I, I, I had, I had just burst into reactivity and I had said something really like blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah to her. And then When she had walked by later, I had calmed down and I said, I'm sorry about that. I was just overreacting. I said, have you had a bad experience with dogs? And she said, yeah, I got bitten not too long ago and the dog literally took a chunk out of my arm.

8:56Lea WernliHmm.

8:57Shailia StephensAnd she said, just standing here beside you, I'm shaking all over my body and I don't even wanna be taking this dog out. It belongs to my boyfriend, but he's on vacation and I was the only alternative that he had. So that's how I ended up here walking this dog. And even though I knew her story because I'd asked her, and even though I'd already yelled at her once, she yelled at me and I was about to go off on her, you know, like my reactivity. Like in Hessen, we don't have any Leinenpflicht.

9:28Lea WernliWhat do you call it? We are not forced to leash them. There is no— it's not forbidden to have dogs not Leashed.

9:39Shailia StephensExactly. Very good, Leah. Yeah, I was going to give her my whole spiel about why I don't have to put the dogs on the leash and why she's a complete idiot. But because of that podcast episode with Jean Catherine, I had the word reactivity in my, in my consciousness, and I just noticed it again, like the fire in my belly, the upwards movement of heat into my head, my ears ringing. the whole thing. And I just took a breath.

10:08Lea WernliHmm.

10:10Shailia StephensAnd I just put the dog— the dogs on the leash. And I took a left because she was to the right. And I thought, bless her, let her have a good day. I hope she doesn't meet any other dogs. So yeah, that's just what I wanted to talk about today. I mean, it sounds so simple, but I really didn't realize how many times during a regular day I was feeling That sense of reactivity without being aware, conscious of it. So what comes to you, Leah?

10:41Lea WernliOh, I love that so much. And I love how you just explained your, your experience with that, because that, that was a huge thing for me before the principles. It's an ADHD thing as well, like this impulse control, reactivity, really fast leashing out. It can be violent, it can be just words, it can be self-harming, it can harm others. It has tons of different varieties of how it plays out. So, um, that was one of the first things that, that dissolved in my experience, and it was like from really, really intense to not at all.

11:27So that was really like, uh, that was so Um, life-changing. That was one of probably the, the fastest and most life-changing thing for me. I already had it on my radar for quite a long time. I had tools, I had techniques, I had things too. But when I was in a bit of a state, or when my, my mood was low, or when I was over Um, like my, my senses were, um, overloaded.

12:04Shailia StephensOverloaded.

12:06Lea WernliUm, it just— I couldn't help. And, and that, that change, that was, that was really, um, it, it, it's almost like coming back to peace in a way, in, in, and Nowadays, I only have the shadow of the feeling of reactivity that I used to have. I remember how it felt, but I really rarely, almost never have it in the way I had it. I have it as a human being in going up and down in my mood, but it's so clear. Oh, not there. Not there, not there, not there.

12:54So that was, that was really a complete change through the, the understanding and the, the consciousness change, probably. And it's one of the easiest and fastest and really, um, almost magical thing that happens with the youth I work with. They see it extremely fast, very often. And I have teenagers who were victims or were tater— what, what is tater?

13:33Shailia StephensUm, gosh, um, perpetrator.

13:37Lea WernliPerpetrator, I don't know. Or they had severe ADHD or, or all the All kinds of things, and that's really the the decrease of reactivity is shows like today I had a teenager come to my house or um she she had to do something and they didn't show up and a couple of years ago that would be a huge thing that they weren't there and da da da da da and. Nowadays, it was just like, oh, I called them, I texted, they weren't, they forgot. Yeah, I'm a little annoyed, but okay, now we have a coffee and I'm already calmed down.

14:23And another teenager once said if their relatives knew about that, they wouldn't have been in prison because they couldn't, like, handle their reactive thinking, their behaviour in this storm. And the thing is, and with the understanding and like really experimenting with that, like really starting to see, oh, ah, my ears get red. I do things like you just explained before. Like, how does it feel? Is it your stomach or red, red, uh, wangen, like cheeks?

15:06Shailia StephensCheeks.

15:07Lea WernliOr what is it? Or you start to feel how it builds up in you. Ah. Then you still can just come back. And you're able to have that feeling without having to burst into violence or words or defending yourself. You have that capacity. And the more you start to just, like, as you said, have a lookout for it. Oh, the teacher said something to me. Here's an— ah, here it comes again. I'm not in a good state to react now. Not now. I'm not in a good— like, that's— There is something to exercise.

15:58We often say there is nothing to do. There is only something to see. And it's true. And as you did, I see it. Oh, not now. Ah, yeah, I feel it. I can handle that differently. And somehow you have to overcome your own ego. And even though the ego of teenagers seems like big and huge, it's made up often, and it's very— it's not that developed as our 50-year-old ego or 40-year-old ego or 30-year-old ego. So they kind of are easy. It's easier to get rid of the idea of who you are.

16:39So with the change in reactivity, it also— you, you change. You're not the one. You're not the Shellya you were, like, talking to that lady because my dogs, that's— I'm right, and the righteousness and all this stuff. You change. And the ego—

16:59Shailia StephensHmm.

17:00Lea WernliDoesn't like that. that much because it's right. I've got the right to unleash my dogs. Listen, that's on top of everything.

17:10Shailia StephensI want to say something about that. Well, is it okay, Lea?

17:14Lea WernliYeah, of course.

17:15Shailia StephensDid you hear? But was it— No, it was perfect because I was gonna say, that's right. So it's there. There's something you have to give up.

17:26Lea WernliYes. Yes.

17:28Shailia StephensThere's something you have to give up.

17:29Lea WernliYes.

17:29Shailia StephensAnd I realized the last couple of times that the ego likes to not just be right and be righteous and all that stuff, but there's something that feels good in leashing out at somebody else in a moment where you feel them to be not in the right or not in accordance with your opinions and preferences. And I don't know whether it's Something about it feels particularly juicy and satisfying to do. And so even the other day when I was, you know, when I just got quiet, took a breath, leashed the dogs and went left, I still felt robbed of the opportunity to put her in her place.

18:15Lea WernliYes. And now there is, particularly in our community, I don't—

18:25Shailia Stephensshe's pointing. If you can't see her on the video, she's getting really into this over here.

18:29Lea WernliUm, just because we've seen something and we did wake up a little bit doesn't make us a better person. We have to put it into life, action, and for real. And that's not easy. That's not easy. That's like effing hell. Not lashing out, not saying it, feeling it no matter what, but taking— making a different decision every day, every day to become a better person in life.

19:09Shailia StephensYeah.

19:09Lea WernliIt's not enough to know it. It's not enough to see it. It's not even enough to understand it. It changes your life when you start to embody it. And that's, whoa, that's another level because it crushes your ego.

19:26Shailia StephensYeah.

19:27Lea WernliIt's not, not just nice and cozy. It does something in your life.

19:33Shailia StephensAbsolutely. And, and I want to, I want to add something to that. And we talked a little bit about it in the last episode with Jean Catherine, but I think it's so much worth highlighting again. You know, she was talking about this man in one of the prisons who had seen— he had had, after a Three Principles Course, some kind of a seeing that his— the guard who was watching over him was a human being who goes home to his family, who has little kids he has to take care of, who has, you know, also dinner with his family, you know?

20:09Lea WernliMm-hmm.

20:10Shailia StephensAnd him seeing that Hey, this isn't just an animal who's, you know, here to punish me, who's on the other team. And he started to put into action that knowing, that seeing, in that he started to seek connection with that human being, that he started to be kinder and gentler and all of those things.

20:37Lea WernliMm-hmm.

20:39Shailia StephensI love what you said. And it's one of the things that really touched me in the podcast interview with Jean Catherine too, was this idea of all of our insights put into action in the world. Right? It's not just about calming down on the inside and finding inner peace for yourself. That's great.

20:58Lea WernliThat's amazing. Yeah, that's amazing.

21:00Shailia StephensIt is. That's amazing. And do that, you know, but there's also something really wonderful in there about putting this understanding into real action.

21:11Lea WernliYes.

21:11Shailia StephensAnd I just love what you said, Leah, about you will be crushing your ego, you know, and, and that's not easy. It really isn't easy. I'm an egomaniac when it comes to that kind of stuff, you know. That's what I've been noticing the last week as my ego has been crushed.

21:27Lea WernliUm, I'm not friends with Shelly's ego. I love her deeply and I even love her ego, but I always talk beneath.

21:34Shailia StephensYeah, yeah, she doesn't like my ego either. Who does?

21:38Lea WernliYeah, mine neither.

21:40Shailia StephensYeah, absolutely. Yeah. And there's just something beautiful in there because that, that is the space where beautiful things come into existence in the world, right?

21:50Lea WernliYes.

21:51Shailia StephensYeah.

21:53Lea WernliAnd, and it's a lifelong process and an everyday thing.

21:59Shailia StephensYep.

21:59Lea WernliAnd, and the moment we think we know, the moment we think we achieve, the moment we think we're awakened, the moment we think we, we, I don't know, No, we've reached— oh God, yeah, go home with your family or don't lie for a weekend, you know you're not there. So, and that's the— that's beautiful. Our ego wants it solved and done and being on the pinky fluffy cloud in the sky, but that's not it. It's the All of it, all of it, and both being human and being more than human all the time at the same time and learning through all these things.

22:52Shailia StephensYeah.

22:52Lea WernliAnd when we, when we immerse ourselves in that, so cool. Not everybody wants to, not everybody has to. And what I really like with that understanding, you don't have to devote yourself to the path. It, it, it does it on its own somehow.

23:16Shailia StephensYeah.

23:17Lea WernliThe teenager sometimes tell me, I can't make it unknown, I know it now. And, and there is a truth in that. And it's a bit cheeky, but I, I quite like it. So you don't even need to want to to, to, I don't know, discover the meaning of life, or you only need to want to suffer a little less and then it starts to somehow reveal itself.

23:47Shailia StephensYeah. Yeah. So beautiful, Lea. Oh my goodness. I have missed you. It's so good that you're back, Lea. I so miss you. Oh, so good that you're here.

23:58Lea WernliWe need to meet. We will meet till the end of the year.

24:01Shailia StephensI was going to say, I was going to say we need our trip. I was hoping you were going to come to London for the 3P conference, but then that didn't Work out. I was so sad. I tried not to show it because I didn't want you to feel bad. But no, we will make it happen, Leanne.

24:14Lea WernliWe will.

24:15Shailia StephensYeah. So anyway, just a side note. Nobody's business. Nobody's business but our own.

24:20Lea WernliWe will let you know when, how.

24:22Shailia StephensWe'll let you know when it has happened.

24:25Lea WernliYes, probably.

24:26Shailia StephensOkay, well, thanks, guys. Leanne, you want to take them out? Because I love to hear it when you close us off.

24:32Lea WernliYes, I do. So it's just very nice to hang with Shelia and also to know that, that someone, one person, maybe you just listen to it. And if you heard something, if you felt something, that's enough. It just, it's, it, it is in the feeling, it is in the moment, it is in being present with what is. So, um, yeah, I hope to, to have you.

25:01Shailia StephensThank you.

25:02Lea WernliUh, next time too. And maybe you could share it with a friend or family member. If it does something for you, it could do something for them too. So thank you for you being here with us. Bye.

25:15Shailia StephensBye-bye.