56 – Confidence Without Trying: How Presence Guides the Next Step

0:01Shailia StephensSo hi and welcome back to a new episode of Time for You. It's Shellya and Lea. Lea, hi! Sometimes the hand gestures aren't working so well. Hi, Lea!

0:21Lea WernliHi, didn't you hear me? when I said Lea?

0:27Shailia StephensI did, I did, I did.

0:29Lea WernliSo because I said Lea, so good, because I'm not sure if you can hear me because I'm not sure if I'm, I'm able to hear you. So again, tech issues, guys.

0:41Shailia StephensLea, where— tell us where you are. Like, every time I get to speak with you on, uh, the podcast, you're somewhere else usually. Not like— when was the last time that we spoke when you were at home? It's It's been a while.

0:55Lea WernliI don't know. I can't remember. No, I was home. I think so. I, but I just came home and now I'm in Italy and I arrived from France yesterday. So, and yeah, it's really interesting because actually, guys, I'm not a millionaire coach yet. So I'm not, I didn't inherit a lot of old money. I'm not this, yay, look at me. a millionaire coach. Nope. I just, I'm really good at finding very beautiful things and having beautiful experiences actually for a bargain and not a lot of money or as a gift or being invited.

1:43So I'm really good in manifesting experiences or creating or going for or however you want to call that. And that's Sometimes really interesting to me because often I really don't know what I do beside being more in the present moment than in my head. That's actually the only thing that I'm really good at. I'm not good at anything else, actually. I really have to be honest.

2:15Shailia StephensTrue story.

2:16Lea WernliWith you guys, and Celia knows it. But I'm quite good at being in the moment. And in the moment, there are things that present itself to you somehow, often. And when you're not in your head, you can see them. And for example, we've been to a huge villa in the south of France with my whole family, and it was affordable for like 12 people with, um, seaside view, like 20 meters from the and this huge salon and just like, like little tiny and, and not just tiny, but like this really cute Zimmer. Was es Zimmer?

3:11Shailia StephensRooms. Rooms.

3:13Lea WernliRooms for everyone with loos and showers and all of that. And actually, it was me who found it. And it was me who was talking to my son In summertime, when we were, um, I think on the boat, we were like having a laugh and looking at really big houses in the south of France because he was like, how much would that be? And we were just Googling and I forwarding like pictures and look, what, how would that be if we could be there? And like really playing. And then this house came up. And I was like, oh, that's nice.

3:58Shailia StephensYeah.

3:59Lea WernliAnd my parents would love that. And then, guys, what's hap— what happened was, and that's so, so interesting, my, my head is talking too, because we do have talking heads, not butts, but heads. So they are, they're talking like Always mine too. And mine was saying, oh, we already did buy or rent, and we already did deposit money for another house, a smaller one, a bit further down. No, I can't forward that to them. And I really, I even remember the moment like, no, just becoming present again. Is it? Shall I?

4:51Shailia StephensYes.

4:53Lea WernliAnd I talked to my sister. I did forward it to my parents, like, hey guys, look, that could be the thing.

5:00Shailia StephensMm-hmm.

5:01Lea WernliAnd so I even couldn't talk or phone this, uh, proprietor, these people, but my sister could. So it was like doing the thing, like, even when you already bought or paid or, or whatever, we weren't even sure if we could get back the deposit from the other one. But it was so perfect. And at the end, we, we, we really, we had it, we enjoyed it. It was beautiful. It was perfect for— because we're a big family, we went, um, we always gather for a week together with the grandparents, the grandkids, all my siblings. So it was just really— perfect. And my head would have talked me out.

5:53Shailia StephensMm-hmm.

5:55Lea WernliAnd, and that's what I mean. I'm really good at not listening and really feeling into it and just doing whatever occurs and what, what makes sense to my higher self, would others call it, or soul, or just Leah in the moment, like present. And And so that's why I just, I'm a lot more confident than I used to be navigating life, or even when I fail or make really stupid or big or small mistakes, I just know from that place, oh, I've got God, the universe, the creative mind through me having my back.

6:43And that's so cool. That's so cool because I'm not alone. I don't have to do everything with my good intellect who is not— who is cool for Excel. And I'm not good at Excel actually, or writing or whatever the heck, or, or numbers or learning, but not knowing what could be the next step. that, that could lead to something cool, beautiful, or, or a little better or different. So that's what I wanted to tell you. You would think, yeah, Leah, she's Swiss, she's, uh, she has it. And nope, it's just really seeing the opportunities and going for it.

7:32Shailia StephensYeah. Yeah. That's so good. That's so good, Leah. You know, that's funny that you should just end your sentence with, I have more confidence going through life, because that's really what I wanted to talk a little bit about today. It's a topic that's been on my mind lately, and for different reasons, but mostly because we've been having it as sort of a topic in different ways in the 3P in Africa projects. One of the things that came up was we've been working with a new group of refugees. They've just really— they're really fresh into the camp in Uganda, in Nakivale. And they've just come from a war-torn area, just like, it's so fresh. Usually we, you know, usually we get them—

8:33Lea WernliHmm.

8:34Shailia Stephensmuch later on, you know, they've been there maybe for a year, 2 years, sometimes 5 years, and then they stumble into a group. And so it was really interesting to talk with the people coming so new. And one of the big topics that they've been feeling is confidence. And that's—

8:57Lea WernliMm-hmm.

8:57Shailia StephensThat's interesting to me because It's a topic that surprised me. I didn't know that they would even think of that in the sense of, I'm here in this new place, I've been displaced, but it's a big thing. So you're nodding your head. So what are you seeing in, or what are you hearing in that?

9:18Lea WernliIt's so interesting, but this thought just came to me. It doesn't surprise me At all, because I work a lot with youth or teenagers who had, in the normal psychology world, you would call trauma or really severe and heavy life circumstances. And it's one of the main topics too. So, um, and you would, yeah. Yeah. Isn't that interesting? Yeah.

9:53Shailia StephensYeah.

9:53Lea WernliAnd one of the teenagers told me not that long ago that actually it was to really become confident again that life could change or could be different, or that she could feel whatever she has to do, or see, or being like confident that, that a next step will occur. So all we all the things we discussed together, that it started to change her life and she stopped to destroy herself or harm herself or do crazy shit because she did all of this because she wasn't confident anymore that she or life could change. Isn't that interesting?

10:45Shailia StephensYeah, yeah, absolutely. And I just heard 2 things that what I heard these, you know, fresh refugees say. Them too, they were like, you know, trying to find the confidence that things are gonna be better tomorrow. That was, you know, more their language. Not necessarily that things will change, but it is about change, you know? But the confidence that life can be better tomorrow, that I'm just—

11:18Lea WernliYes.

11:19Shailia StephensI'm just moving through a different space. space right now and being able to be there in confidence that things are shifting toward a different, more better experience. And the other confidence that they were talking about is just exactly what you were saying. It was just like, and this is going to sound crazy for us, but it's the confidence to leave the door of the of the lean-to that they're in and go out into the space with the others. You know, they've been displaced, they don't know the other people, they don't know how things work there, um, how, how relate— what, what, what difference relationships make, how the economy works, where they're gonna get food or clothing, like all this stuff.

12:11And wanting to have the confidence that they can navigate This new place, right? These new circumstances, these new people that they're surrounded with, and that they would know what to do in the right moment. Those are the 2 sort of areas that they were talking about. Yes.

12:36Lea WernliAnd actually, it's always the same for all of us.

12:42Shailia StephensHmm.

12:42Lea WernliWe— when something new is coming into our life, or when, when we don't know, when a problem occurs, or when something is difficult for a moment, we want to try and figuring it out with our head. And if we don't have the data, if we— even if really bad or strange or violent or traumatic things happened, or or just like a bit different things. I mean, our head is crazy. Yeah. So it's also with a quite normal life, it does the same.

13:22Shailia StephensAbsolutely.

13:23Lea WernliWe, we want to know how to, and when you don't know anymore, then you start to think, oh, I'm not confident anymore, or I need to be confident first to do that. And What this teenager, or what this conversation was really rich or really cool is that she deeply started to see, oh yeah, I just felt it more present that the insecure thoughts because life was difficult and dark.

14:06Shailia StephensMm-hmm.

14:07Lea WernliAnd everybody thought like, oh, you're not going to make it. Like the refugees from the outside.

14:13Shailia StephensYeah.

14:13Lea WernliOr even the inside. You think all this shit happens, people died, I did bad things, bad things happened to me, all this craziness. Of course I'm not sane. Of course I'm not confident. Of course I can't do these things. So it It's like as if the reality outside confirms the insecurity inside.

14:40Shailia StephensYeah.

14:41Lea WernliAnd it's when she told me when she started to see, oh, oh, I, even now I don't have to believe all this insecure thinking. That doesn't mean that the things didn't happen. They did. Of course, there are possibilities to feel all these feelings of shame and anger and, and, and sadness and, and just be human with that.

15:12Shailia StephensAbsolutely.

15:13Lea WernliAnd I don't need to become more confident. I just need to figure out the next step and to feel What, what is there underneath my insecure thinking?

15:32Shailia StephensYeah.

15:33Lea WernliIt did blow my mind again. Like, that's true. We, we always just need to know the next step with insecure or secure thinking. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. We always have it. But it seems more important when really traumatic things happened in life. So, and I totally get that. And still, it's just what the mind does.

16:10Shailia StephensYeah.

16:11Lea WernliNew, we don't know, we're not knowing where the food is or how the interaction with a with someone else's, or a new group, or a new program, or you move, and then we start to get insecure, and we want to rely on things we know.

16:30Shailia StephensYeah.

16:31Lea WernliBut when we start to see that we can rely on our creativity, our intuition, our knowing, our inner knowing, Before the bud or before the insecure thinking or before whatever wants to take us out of the present moment, then we know we can handle, like, what, what comes because all these people and all of us, we are still here. We did it.

17:08Shailia StephensMm-hmm.

17:09Lea WernliWe did it before.

17:11Shailia StephensYeah. Yeah.

17:12Lea WernliAnd we forget because our head tells us that we are insecure. We don't know. We are failure. We are traumatized. We will never get over that. And it's not true.

17:27Shailia StephensNo, no, it's not true. It's not true. And I love what you said. You know, I think you said, I don't need to get more confident. I just need to know my next step. You know, I might, I might have changed that a teeny tiny bit to say I don't need to be more confident. I just need to get present, you know, just be in the here and now, because in that state of presence, you'll feel the momentum within you that's moving you forward to your next step, you know.

18:00Lea WernliYeah.

18:01Shailia StephensAnd I, we have a lot of conversations in, you know, 3P in Africa, but, and I always tell them it's no different for us over here in Europe. up, you know, whether you're— you've lost your confidence in a job situation, or whether you're just trying to book a different location for your family's vacation, and, you know, you're having thinking about if you're getting the deposit on the other thing, you know, it's always coming down to the same thing. We always work the same way universally as human beings. We feel the insecurity, we get up into our head, And the only direction is always coming back to the present moment and—

18:46Lea WernliYeah.

18:47Shailia StephensQuieting our mind, um, you know, feeling and, and noticing our connection to our inner intelligence, our inner wisdom, and letting it lead us, um, just for that simple one little next step that we need to take. And then we do it all over again in the next moment. You know, it's just like, it's just like rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat. The Yes. The formula is, you know, so simple. Yeah. So I love that a lot.

19:21Lea WernliAnd I love it too. And it's so hopeful and it seems a bit insane. I mean, for me too, for my human self, it's like, how on earth could I ever, like, compare these 2 really different circumstances? Yeah, like, no, it must be a lot worse. But in the essence, it is true. The design, we work the same.

19:52Shailia StephensYeah.

19:53Lea WernliAnd, and I mean, we, we can't get our head around that, but in this simplicity is, is this It's the magic lies there always.

20:11Shailia StephensYeah.

20:13Lea WernliAnd it's really simple, but I also start to think, or started to think quite a while ago, for a lot of people it is exercising that because we're not used to do that. So it's really not that easy to listen to that part of us, to hear that part of us, to move with that part of us. And I get that. It's like you need to, as you said, do it over and over and over and over again.

21:00Shailia StephensMm-hmm.

21:01Lea WernliAnd the intellect wants to to come in over and over and over and over again as well.

21:09Shailia StephensYeah.

21:12Lea WernliAnd to be aware of that, that is also a part of it. Like, it is simple and really, really difficult sometimes. And it gets easier over time somehow. It gets easier to listen, to trust, to, to come back to that inner knowing over time when you really start to see and feel and experience the difference.

21:48Shailia StephensYeah.

21:48Lea WernliLike, oh, it's true. Oh, I'm able to be present, although I've got this like crazy insecure, fearful, worrisome thinking.

22:04Shailia StephensYeah.

22:04Lea WernliOh, okay. I don't have to not have that. I'm able to be present with that. But at the beginning, it's like, what? It's raw. My head does whatever it does, and I don't know where to listen and where— oh, it's here. Oh, yes. And again and again. So there is a practice. I didn't see that or didn't feel that for a long time, but I really started to see that even I do it all the time.

22:39Shailia StephensYeah.

22:39Lea WernliLike, it's this one-eye-open thing, like, not going back to sleep. Oh, again, not going back to sleep. Oh, again. And it's not done with One time, 2 times, 3 times, 4 times. It's ongoing.

23:02Shailia StephensYeah.

23:03Lea WernliSomehow.

23:03Shailia StephensYeah. You got about 20,000 opportunities a day to practice.

23:09Lea WernliAnd, and how, and how do, how do they react? Because what I found is like the really troubled teenagers, like with a lot of so-called trauma or things or suicidal stuff or whatever is going on there, they hear it quite easily.

23:35Shailia StephensYeah.

23:36Lea WernliSomehow.

23:37Shailia StephensYeah.

23:37Lea WernliDo you have the same?

23:38Shailia StephensYes.

23:39Lea WernliYeah.

23:40Shailia StephensYeah. Yeah.

23:41Lea WernliI think it's really, yeah.

23:42Shailia StephensI think that's really the biggest difference for me in the last, you know, year and whatever, how many months I've been doing this, is to realize that there's such a huge difference in how people grasp the understanding here in Europe or in America versus in Africa. I don't know what it is. I could make up a lot of stuff, but they hear it really easily. A lady stood up, you know, recently when we were having this conversation and she said, you know, I'm so grateful that I learned not to paint my world black with my thoughts.

24:24Lea WernliMm-hmm.

24:25Shailia StephensAnd she was talking about, you know, when they had just arrived, that she was thinking all the time back to home and where she wanted to be, but where she wasn't. And, you know, not having the confidence to be in this new, new place. And then when she realized she was— she called it overthinking— when she realized she was overthinking about home and the displacement, and she just let that drop, she, you know, came back into the present moment and she was just fine. She was totally, deeply okay.

25:02Lea WernliMm-hmm.

25:03Shailia StephensAnd she was talking about, you know, how she just felt love and that She took with her out the door when she went outside to be in the place. So yeah, they get it really quickly. It's sometimes amazing. It's like within 15 minutes. It's hard to even grasp as a coach who works in Europe. It's so fast, Leah. Yeah.

25:31Lea WernliYeah. Yeah, I've got the same experience with like younger people, or— and yeah, we don't know why or what or how. And also being okay with people not wanting to know and being okay with people, um, want— or, or to just love them, see them, being with them. Wherever they are.

26:06Shailia StephensYeah.

26:06Lea WernliAnd that's okay too.

26:10Shailia StephensYeah, definitely.

26:11Lea WernliI love that.

26:12Shailia StephensYeah. Thanks for this conversation, Leah. I think we'll wrap up this episode. We've got a few more to do today. We always like to batch them on, on one afternoon. But, um, yeah, thanks for this beautiful conversation, Leah. Um, It's always, it's always such a good reminder and a refresh every time we talk, you know, even for me. And for those of you, for those of you who are listening today, we're so, so, so happy and grateful to have you. Keep coming back, keep listening, stay in the conversation, share with your friends and family. We'd love for you to share the love, and we'll see you the next time on Time for You.

26:55Lea WernliBye.