62 – Saying NO with Love: Lessons from Nakivale

0:01Shailia StephensToday I want to talk about something that I've never spoken about before in Africa. But I think it is a topic that is so important to everyone, and particularly it is important for women. We're going to be talking about saying no. This topic has very much to do with 2 other topics that we talk about in 3P in Africa. One thing that we talk a lot about is self-love, loving yourself. Loving yourself is so vital, remembering that you are God's love and that God's love is in you.

1:47Loving ourselves really improves the quality of our life and of our relationships. The second thing we talk about a lot in 3P in Africa is our own inner wisdom. The spiritual fact that we are connected with a deep intelligence inside of ourselves. The spiritual fact that we have answers within ourselves for challenging situations, but also for good situations in our life.

2:53David LubendeNa koko eli kusema danietu munapatikana majibu ya matatisu yo yote amotu nayo tunayo kumbananai.

3:03Shailia StephensSo today I want to bring those two things together: loving ourself. And following our inner wisdom, how they are connected and how they are important. I hope very much that this teaching will make sense to you and will be helpful in your own life. whether you live in the camp or in Kenya or in Germany like we do. So in case you're new to the group or the sharing, my name is Shelia and I live in Germany. You may not know this about me, but I have 2 dogs.

4:10One, his name is Kane, and one, his name is Duke. Every day I go for many hours walking with these dogs out in, in nature. On these walks, I meet many people, men and women, old and young, who also are walking with their dogs. So when we see each other on the walk, we have something in common. We both like dogs, so we sometimes, or often, Come into a conversation with each other. Mostly there are kind people, people who have nice things to say, who have nice conversations to share.

5:27It's mostly a positive experience. But sometimes it's not such a positive experience. Sometimes I meet a man On the path with his dog, and he speaks to me in a way that I feel uncomfortable with. This man is Giving me compliments about how I'm looking, giving me compliments about what I'm wearing. This man is telling me how good I'm smelling and that he wishes his wife would smell as nice This man is making— so in English we say insinuations. He's making— he's saying things that are making me feel uncomfortable.

7:28So, so I'm a person who knows about the 3 principles. I, I understand about people living in their own thinking. So I was— I'm looking at this man every time we meet, and I'm realizing maybe in his thinking, he's, he's thinking he's being nice, he's being kind toward me, he's doing no harm. For him, maybe it's a harmless flirt with a stranger lady on the dog path. So for many months, I was just meeting him and feeling compassion toward him for just being in his thinking toward me, and I was trying to understand where he was coming from.

9:14And in general, this is a good way to be walking through the world with compassionate eyes, with understanding eyes for other human beings that we meet. The problem is I was feeling very uncomfortable every time, and in not saying no, I was betraying myself. Sorry, David, I couldn't hear you. Were you able to translate that?

10:12David LubendeYes, I got you well.

10:15Shailia StephensOkay, so in going along with this behavior towards me, no matter how it was meant, I was not loving myself. So, especially for the women, I just want you to listen really closely because I think this is important. Oftentimes, particularly being a woman, we go through the world and we want people to like us. We don't want to say something that hurts somebody else's feelings or make them Think that we're a bad person. We're trying to be a good girl.

11:43We don't want someone to think something about us and tell other people that we're a certain way. So what we do is we ignore sometimes our uncomfortable feeling with inside of ourselves, and we just push it down and try not to say anything. But what I'm telling you is part of loving yourself is to listen to that uncomfortable feeling inside of yourself.

12:30David LubendeNa ini modawapoya partia kucipenda menyewi nani vile, ulah posa kudisi kia aleh ambal, nadi si kia nani aku.

12:41Shailia StephensAn important part of loving yourself is listening to your own inner wisdom and saying no. So one day, not too long ago, I was walking again the dogs on a, on a dog path. Again, I saw this man and he made a haste— hasty, rushed way to, to come and greet me. And he said to me, oh, you look so beautiful, you smell so good. He said, he said, oh, every time I see you, I'm always giving you compliments, so certainly that does not bother you. And for the first time in probably even 2 years of meeting him on the path, I said, no.

14:19I said to him, the things you say to me make me uncomfortable. I said, I don't think you mean it. Badly, but I don't want you to say it to me anymore. I said, I don't want you to touch me, because he was also touching me sometimes. The man was very surprised because I never said anything to him like this before. But he accepted it and he apologized. Every time I've seen him since, he has not touched me Or talk to me this way. But he is still kind to me, and I am still kind to him. I I actually now look forward when I see him.

15:50David LubendeAkini, tunggal itu na siatu na ishimiana anak kuana ishima kwamuna mina kuana ishima kuaki.

16:00Shailia StephensSo you see, this story that I'm telling you today about out of my own life—it's just an example.

16:09David LubendeHistorya ni ko nawambi ako sumay siyang na itumikisa ka madili ng fano.

16:17Shailia StephensThere are all kinds of situations in our lives where we. Have an inner knowing within us. We have a no.

16:29David LubendeNa kuna situasyon awalim balimbali ang bazuton na parangan nazo katekaba isayetu.

16:38Shailia StephensMaybe someone asks us to do something for them, and we check inside of ourselves, and we feel actually no, I don't want to do that. But instead of saying no, we say yes. We are going against our own inner wisdom in that moment, and we are innocently not loving ourselves. And have you ever noticed when you say yes even though you mean no, things don't go so well after that yes? We do the thing we don't want to do with a feeling of bitterness or resentment.

17:51The whole energy of the act changes. Sometimes we say yes in a moment to avoid the uncomfortableness of saying no. We avoid those 3 seconds of discomfort and then sometimes 3 months of discomfort come after saying yes? Sometimes we say yes when we mean no out of love. Not too long ago, I was saying no to my sister Martha, and I thought, I can't say this to her because she's going to think I'm not supporting her, I'm not loving her. But I had to say no in that minute because I had a no inside my heart.

19:53As much as I love her, I have to be true to my own self and my wisdom. But if I tell her from my truth, she will see it as my truth and understand this. And she did. So I want everyone who's listening right now, it doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman, I want you to think to times in your life, maybe even from yesterday or last week, where you felt a no in your heart but you said yes. And the more you look at it, the more you'll see it's an everyday occurrence.

21:20We do it all the time. We say yes when we have a no in our heart. And that's okay. Sometimes I still, I still have situations where I do it too. It's an area where I am growing. It's an area where Martha is growing. But it is so vital, and I want to share a little bit of something that sounds a bit hard, but I'm going to share it with you anyway. But I want to ask your permission first. David, ask your group. Philip, ask your group if I can share something that's a little heavier. If they say yes to that, come on, please. So I want to ask their permission to share something that's a little bit heavier, if that's okay with them.

22:59David LubendeAh, je, mu ne za ni rusu, ka sa vuna takani, sumu muzze mambo amayo iko yang guvu sana nanyingi. Eskimo ne za ni rusu, kundi ya Philip na David. Yes.

23:11Shailia StephensPhillips, do they— do we have a yes from your group as well?

23:14David LubendeYes, yes, we have a yes here.

23:17Shailia StephensOkay, so I want to tell you about a lady that I, I saw on television, um, from America. And I know this is maybe something that's a taboo topic in Africa. It's not something you talk about openly. This woman was An actress, and she was trying to get a job in a movie.

24:09David LubendeNa uyumutu ni manamitindo, aw ni actress na likwana penda apatekazi kumpitiya ni tandaoni.

24:21Shailia StephensThey ask her to come and do a casting for the role, to act so they could see if she's good enough for the movie. And she did a good job on that. And they said, okay, next step is you're going to go see the producer of the movie, the man who gives the money for the movie. They said to her, he's a busy man, he can't meet you at the office, you have to go to his hotel room. She thought that was strange and she didn't feel comfortable with that, but she really wanted to get the role in the movie, so she went.

25:47She knocked on the door to his hotel room and he answered the door. Wearing a bathrobe with no clothes underneath. Inside of herself, she felt a very big no. She wanted to run away. But she was worried if she left the hotel room that he would think her not professional, that she wouldn't get the role in the movie. She was worried that he would tell other people in the industry that she was a stupid, silly woman who had ran away from a business meeting. So she had a big no in her heart, but she stayed.

27:16David LubendeShe said, "Yes, I'll come in." Na alikuwa takirakini alikubalakasema okay acan ingi.

27:30Shailia StephensAnd of course she went in and closed the door, and she was trapped in the room.

27:36David LubendeNa akayingia daniya chumbakiv.

27:41Shailia StephensAnd the man said, "I I want to have sex with you." No, akata likuto limana umari kuwa vay mavazi yote akasema akwamba mimi nataka dufanyeteno landowa naweo. And she really knew inside of herself she had a big no to that no.

28:01David LubendeNa alijuwandaniya moyowake akwamba moyowake ukunase maapana apana.

28:07Shailia StephensBut she did have sex with him. She— because she was worried that he would think her a strange and silly woman. It was her thinking. This experience was very bad and very traumatic for her. Years later, when she was giving the interview that I was watching, she was surprised looking back. She said to the person interviewing her, I cannot understand why I said yes to go in. I cannot understand why I had said yes to having sex with this man. I did not want to.

29:28But when I heard her talking, I understood exactly why it had happened. It is because we would rather avoid the discomfort of saying no and hurt ourselves in another way instead. So I just want you to think about that, what that means in the life of a human being when they are acting yes when they have a no in their heart. I want you to have the courage to love yourself and to listen to your inner wisdom. I want you to get in a practice of speaking your truth that God is giving you within.

31:07And we can do that in a loving way, in a respectful way, in a compassionate way. And you are not alone because I am on this journey with you growing in this area. Martha is on this journey with you growing in this area. So I want to thank Martha, who, who asked me to talk about this topic, and I really hope that it was meaningful for you to hear today.