44 – How to Let Go of Resistance and Embrace What Is

0:02Shailia StephensHi everyone, and welcome back to a new episode of Time for You, where we nurture love and presence and wellbeing with the help of the 3 principles and our wonderful friendship. My name is Shaleia Stevens. I live near Frankfurt am Main in Germany, and this is my beautiful friend and colleague, Leah Van Lee, who lives and works in Zurich in Switzerland.

0:25Lea WernliHi guys. Hi, Lea.

0:29Shailia StephensLea's looking so beautiful today. Lea, I love that, um, that necklace and that top you've got on.

0:35Lea WernliIt's a flea market find.

0:38Shailia StephensSo pretty. I always get, um, feelings of jealousy when I see Lea. She's always got something pretty on.

0:45Lea WernliThank you. You look amazing too. Lovely face. We are always in love with each other, guys. So if you You're like this.

0:56Shailia StephensIt's kind of gross.

0:57Lea WernliAnd that's just like how it is. So to stay, you're welcome.

1:02Shailia StephensIt's so disgusting. I know. So, Lea, you and I haven't talked in a while personally, so this will be like a catch-up for us. But also, um, I have an interesting life observation, a topic that I brought along today, and it's, it's about the space in between in a way.

1:24Lea WernliHmm.

1:25Shailia StephensAnd so I haven't been able to talk about this in the past, or I haven't been willing to, I wasn't able to, whatever. But now I feel like I can talk about it more openly. And you know, Leah, my father-in-law passed away on the 30th of March, and I don't even know what today is. That's not quite a month later, the 24th of April, 2025. And It was quite an experience. He was going through stage 4 cancer at, you know, 87 years old. That's how old he was.

2:03He died a few days after his 87th birthday. And my husband and I, we really wanted to make his wish possible, which was to die at home. He was able to do that. And, you know, I don't know, I don't know how many listeners out there have, you know, really stood and walked beside someone as they go literally home, like all the way home to, you know, the other side, the energy of the all-oneness. But it's a very difficult but also humbling and beautiful experience.

2:39And that was in and of itself, I don't know, expected. And, you know, it would just— it just is life. That's part of the circle of life. The thing where things kind of started to get like more difficult, Leah, were, you know, right after he was gone, because Heiko and I, my husband and I, we realized, oh, now here's mother and she can't live by herself at all. She's got mid-stage dementia. She got diagnosed 4 days later with stage 4 lung cancer. So she just requires a lot of care at the moment.

3:23And she's grieving. And she's, you know, physically not doing well. So it's just— I just have so much compassion for her situation. And The interesting thing is, and I think a lot of people who get to old age, they have this, like, they miss somehow the bridge between, I'm great, I'm fine, I can live by myself, and actually, I need a plan for my old age. I need to know what's gonna happen to Mother when I die, if I'm thinking of Father's perspective, you know?

4:02But the two of them were just living in the moment vicariously, and they're just like, I think they were of the opinion, we're just gonna die from one minute to the next and then we're gone. You know this, Leah? Sorry, I'm gonna take a drink of water and let you say something.

4:18Lea WernliYeah, thank you so much for sharing. And my heart goes out to your husband and you and the family members and everyone involved. And I'm in kind of a similar situation, but as a grandchild.

4:37Shailia StephensYeah.

4:38Lea WernliVery close to my grandfather. He was my step-grandfather. He is my step-grandfather. He was very— a lot younger than my grandmother. That's why I'm involved and he's still here. And it's kind of the same on his side. His beloved second Um, girlfriend died on January 1st, and then he, he had an accident and had to go to the hospital for, for a couple of weeks. And what I just saw and what, what I talked to with my mother is like this process of— sometimes we jump like timelines, and then we have to adjust, all of us.

5:36Shailia StephensYeah.

5:37Lea WernliIn this situation, sometimes we have a plan for the new timeline, and sometimes we don't. And Somehow there is something very healthy as well for my parents to navigate this situation with him, because they see that he didn't have a plan, and now they, they're really involved, and all the grandkids are involved too. So we are all involved, and it takes a lot of energy, and, and strength and time. So for them to be a part of it opens up a possibility to discuss it and to maybe navigate it differently for themselves as well. So that's very interesting to me.

6:38Shailia StephensMm-hmm.

6:39Lea WernliThat him being still here and in this difficult situation, um, there is something going on in the relationship and in, hmm, how do we want to do that and how do we want to be prepared— oh my word— for whatever Yeah, yeah. To clean it up in a way as well.

7:12Shailia StephensYeah, well, I hope that your parents can do that for themselves. You know, that was the astonishing thing about, um, the, the old age of Heiko's parents is that they had taken care of their elderly parents on both sides. They were the people who were, um, washing and bathing the, uh, the 90-year-old man, um, taking them to the doctor, um, bringing them Like they knew, but they didn't, it didn't, they didn't think it was going to happen to them. Yeah.

7:44Lea WernliIsn't that interesting?

7:47Shailia StephensYeah.

7:50Lea WernliYeah. There is always free will. And we always have opportunities to see and learn and And heal, and we don't have to. Both.

8:13Shailia StephensYeah. Yeah, yeah, it's interesting. And, um, yeah, you know, you know, we were trying to get them to move here last year, up into an apartment. They were supposed to move in in March.

8:30Lea WernliAnd so that was one part The craziness of December, guys.

8:34Shailia StephensYeah, like when they called and said, no, cancel the apartment, cancel the kitchen, cancel the bed you just ordered, we're not coming, you know. But so what I wanted to talk about, what I think would be— and I know people in our age, Leah, so many of them are going through this caregiver situation, you know, with elderly parents and all of that. So, but That's, that's not so much the topic for me today as much as this, this space between. So my, my husband is living with his mother in Nuremberg.

9:08So that's 3 hours away from here because she can't be alone and she can't— doesn't have a caregiver yet. We don't know what to do from here. She's just started her cancer treatment. And so he's living somewhere else and I am living at home alone. And you know those situations in life, Leah, where Life, life has just unfolded in a certain way. And there, and there you are and you don't wanna be there. It's, it's not something you desired or, or planned for, wished for, all that kind of thing.

9:46And I can tell you a really funny story from this morning, Leah. So it actually happened— started yesterday. finally got some time to go swimming with my neighbor. You know I love to swim. And like, she's like, one of the open swimming pools has opened finally. And I was like, okay, she wants to go at 9:30. I got to get the dogs out before that. I've got all 3 dog walks now.

10:09Lea WernliYeah.

10:09Shailia StephensLike, they need out 3 hours a day. I've got 2 large, much-needing walkie dogs. And so I got it all coordinated. And the minute I got to the to the swimming pool, I get this message from DHL that my new computer had been— is being delivered to the house. And I tried to coordinate it with the neighbor that she could take the package because you don't want some expensive computer you just ordered being taken to some packstation somewhere. And the neighbor couldn't take it.

10:39The other neighbor couldn't take it. It was just, I was just like, okay, forget about it. I just got in the pool and I'm like, it'll work itself out. It's like somehow. And it did work itself out. It did get sent to a Packstation, to a package station. So this morning I get up and I'm like, all right, I've gotta go get this computer. I got it. I took a backpack layer with me and I went out with the dogs in the pouring rain with an umbrella to the Bahnhof.

11:09And I'm like walking there, you know, like I'm bent on going to get, save this computer from the Packstation. And I get there, I couldn't figure out how to open the Packstation. I had to call my husband. I've never done that before with the automatic code and like all the stuff you need, the app. It took me, I was like standing in the rain trying to get all that done. I get the package out, I pick up this computer. It's actually a laptop. It's not actually supposed to be that big.

11:35It's huge, Leah. It's huge. I try to, I try to put it in my backpack, but no chance whatsoever, you know, like zero. And I'm like, Are you kidding me? I'm like, I'm going to have to walk with these 2 dogs, my umbrella, a computer under my arm, you know, like back home this like 15 minutes. And I was so pissed. Like, I was just like, usually who would have, who would have been home to get the computer? Heiko. Who would have picked it up from the Paketstation? Heiko. You know, like, I'm like, now I have to do this whole life thing myself.

12:11Lea WernliMm-hmm.

12:12Shailia StephensAnd, um, I was— I walked home. I made it. I thank goodness. I almost dropped the computer several times. The dogs almost jumped in the streets 100 times. By the time I got home, Leah, my arms were so hurt and tired and shaking. I was like, for hours, not, not for a couple of minutes, for hours, I was just— my arms were shaking and I was just pissed. And I was just like, why do I have to live this way? You know, like you're, you're in resistance.

12:41Lea WernliMm-hmm.

12:41Shailia StephensAnd I was in resistance the day before when I had to take out the paper to the, to the street and to pay the cleaning lady. And I forgot the money and like all the stuff my husband usually takes care of, you know? And it sounds so stupid when I talk about it, these first world sort of problems that we have. But what I want people to hear is like, there's sometimes in life where things are just not the way that we want them. To be. Yeah. Yeah. Go ahead, Lea.

13:11Lea WernliMaybe most of the time.

13:13Shailia StephensOh, tell me more. What do you mean?

13:18Lea WernliI mean, maybe that's, that's, that's somehow the default, not the other way around. Even though we do wish that, or sometimes it feels like everything is sorted out, but we never actually are in this comfort zone of having it all cozy and nice and, and no resistance. You know what I mean?

13:56Shailia StephensYeah.

13:56Lea WernliThat's, that's the wish. That's the dreamland. That's the ego who wants it just like fluffy and nice and done. But I know that when he's home, that you get mad because he was mad because you did not put the bread away. So—

14:16Shailia StephensTrue.

14:17Lea WernliUm, now it looks like as if it's because he's not home, but it's just a different thing that you do that you don't want to do, or that your intellect doesn't want to be like that or feel like that. You know what I mean?

14:41Shailia StephensI do. I do.

14:43Lea WernliYeah. And I mean, sometimes it's highlighted. Now it's like, but for real, he's here.

14:49Shailia StephensIt's actually, it's actually really bad now.

14:52Lea WernliReally bad, but yeah. Yeah, it's also often like that when he's here.

15:02Shailia StephensYeah, yeah, yeah. For everyone.

15:03Lea WernliIn all our lives.

15:04Shailia StephensYeah, for everyone.

15:05Lea WernliNot just you and him, but for all of us, like, to see, oh, um, what is it with that resistance thing to life?

15:19Shailia StephensYeah, yeah, that's it, Lea. That's it. Absolutely. Yeah. And Here's the thing that I, that I've been seeing the last days and weeks. And I hope it sticks with me because this might be a year-long situation, minimum. Is that, you know, we know how it works when we are, when we're talking in the context of the 3 principles, we know when our mind settles around the resistance, Then we're just in life.

15:54Lea WernliYes.

15:56Shailia StephensAnd that's, for me, the space between. Because the minute I stop being pissed off and wishing I didn't have to drag out the paper to the street, um, in the big bin, um, I'm just back in life. And actually, things aren't bad at all. They're not bad at all. In the last couple of weeks, I've really enjoyed a lot of things being in life, you know, whether it's the springtime and the flowers blooming, or even the rainy days that are beautiful in April. Moments where I was at peace being alone, you know.

16:44Lea WernliMm-hmm.

16:46Shailia StephensBeing grateful for my, my own health, knowing someone else is not in a state of health, being highly appreciative of that. So the minute my mind settles from the resistance, I'm back and things are pretty good. Pretty good.

17:05Lea WernliYeah.

17:06Shailia StephensThat's all I wanted to share today, really. Yeah.

17:11Lea WernliThat was probably one of the things that really, really changed my life, because as you know, and you guys know too if you follow us for quite a while, um, my, my life is still messy very often, and it stays maybe, probably in certain areas, quite messy. And To also be with that even when life is— you said it was quite good, and it's always quite good. I mean, it's because we're, we're alive and we have food and, and houses and all of that as well. And, and being okay in life even, even when it's messy.

18:02Shailia StephensYeah.

18:04Lea WernliI, I just lost the key, the main key for a big building, a school, and I had to, to go to the headmaster and to the facility guy and again, and it was uncomfortable and I felt ashamed and, and all of that. And I don't take the experience, the feelings, the Oh God, I'm a bad person and ADHD and what the F. And again, that personal anymore.

18:39Shailia StephensYeah.

18:39Lea WernliAnd to navigate from there is easier, more fun. That was not a beautiful experience, or not a not messy experience. That was a, oh shit, and I did it and it happened and I couldn't find it anymore, and what a shame. But the not resisting what is, um, is the most part key for me still, with kids and house and cows and all the things that, that are happening. To see what's possible, what's there, what's the next step, and just not building up the story, not losing myself in this very attractive resistance feeling. No, that there, that's, that's annoying, that's draining, that's not fun.

19:48Shailia StephensMm-hmm.

19:48Lea WernliAnd sometimes, yeah. It happens, but I'm trained to come back a lot faster. And that's the beauty of all of it. Like, I, I did fall in love again with all of it, with being alive and being in life.

20:10Shailia StephensYeah, yeah. And when you, when you talk, Leah, I hear like, not resisting how life is unfolding. That's one. But I also hear you say, and not resisting the way you feel about it at the moment. Like, you're gonna— that shame is gonna come up, maybe. My pissed-offness is gonna come up, maybe.

20:36Lea WernliYeah.

20:36Shailia StephensBut knowing, like, that's not where the music is playing. Like the music is playing in, come back to being in life, you know? Like, that's what I hear you say. Yes.

20:55Lea WernliAnd also, I don't have to very— to engage in, I need to change that, what is.

21:05Shailia StephensYeah.

21:07Lea WernliSo because it changes when we are coming back, as you said it just so beautifully.

21:13Shailia StephensYeah. So cool, yeah. What do you think happened to the key? I want to know.

21:20Lea WernliI, my girl, I've got a girl. No, she's one—

21:31Shailia StephensShe's like your daughter.

21:32Lea WernliIt's someone like my daughter, yeah. And we had a little room and I had to clean that room out and Uh, I had to move, and, and I think I had it in my, my, um, trousers. Um, and it was a key with a thingy on it. How do you call that?

21:55Shailia StephensA loop, like a keychain?

21:57Lea WernliA keychain, a big one. So probably I just lost it while Um, going up and down like this in this house somewhere, and I couldn't find it in the car, not in that room or apartment, and not in the school, not at home. So probably it's just, um, it, it's— it disappeared into the thin air. Thin air. Yeah. So yeah, we don't know.

22:32Shailia StephensYeah.

22:33Lea WernliBut I had beautiful experience with the guy who is the facilitator of the school. Normally, um, people with ADHD and a history of losing a lot of things like I have, we often have not so nice experiences with the people in charge.

22:55Shailia StephensMm.

22:55Lea WernliAnd that's okay. So I was kind of prepared like, oh, that's gonna be messy and maybe he's gonna be angry and that's okay. Maybe I have to pay. Maybe there are things I need to do, and that's okay too. And it was just nice.

23:13Shailia StephensHmm.

23:13Lea WernliHe looked for me out in, in this school. He, he even almost chased me to open my door for me. And then he had to go and, and find that new key. And, and again, he was the one looking for me and was really gentle. And it was I, I was, I was like a little kid, like, like astounded. And, and it was kind of almost a healing experience. That was, that was very nice. Um, just completely different to what I expected. And so also that.

23:57Shailia StephensYeah, yeah.

23:59Lea WernliWe never know.

24:00Shailia StephensWe never know. Well, I just had to ask about the key, Leo, because that's so you to lose the key. I just was thinking, where the heck did that key go? I think—

24:13Lea Wernlioh no, we will find it under—

24:16Shailia StephensI don't know, under a rock somewhere. Yeah. Okay, well, that feels round to me, Leo. Should we close it up?

24:23Lea WernliYes. So yeah, if you liked it, go ahead, go for it. Yeah, but for real, I mean, we know, we always say this time we are going just, we are going to point to the principles. It's going to be really like deep and profound. And no, it's—

24:46Shailia StephensIt was deep and profound.

24:47Lea WernliYeah. Yes, it is. It's love and pointing, but like being in life with this knowing. with all of it. And if you've got a good feeling or just something that you, that you thought, that's cool or helpful or interesting or maybe even triggered you, all of it, that's okay. And we would love if you would share with our conversations and, and write to us if you want to. And, um, We are looking forward to the next time for time with you. So thanks.

25:31Shailia StephensThanks, guys. Yeah, listen to or hear you soon. Bye.