07 – Embracing Unspoken Worries: A Real Talk on Compassion

0:03Lea WernliYeah, hello again. It's Time for You with Shelia Stevens.

0:10Shailia StephensHello.

0:11Lea WernliAnd Leah Wendley, that's me. And we're so happy that you are listening and taking some time off for you. Um, we are trying something out today and it's called Real talk. We just talk as we talk before the podcast, and maybe we like it, you like it, maybe we don't, maybe you don't, so we just—

0:42Shailia StephensTry.

0:43Lea WernliTry. Okay, what I wanted to tell Shelly is that I went away, um, with my husband to Paris last week, and my parents came to my house. And actually, I love them dearly. They're really cool and lovely and, and they're different, of course. And I knew that my mom is going to clean up and maybe sort out things that are not necessary in my our home. And I even told her that that's totally fine. She could do it with the little one and ask the big one too if he wants to, um, do it with her.

1:41And so, so they did. And what was really interesting is that I met her and they had a great time. And I knew When we met for having a drink before Christmas, we always go to eat fondue. That's a very Swiss thing. That's melted cheese in a big pot, and you, you just, uh, how do you say it?

2:09Shailia StephensYou dip.

2:10Lea WernliYou dip bread in it. So that's what we eat.

2:12Shailia StephensOn a stick.

2:13Lea WernliOn a stick. That sounds so weird. It is a bit weird, and it smells horrible. I always put my hat on that my hair do not smell, and I'm a bit of a weirdo in this restaurant. So I went to see her before we met with my sister. We always do that like together every year, and it's always nice, and we always cry, and we always hug and say we love each other so much. And that's true. But before that, I knew There is gonna be a talk, like my mom wants to tell me things. And by the way, I'm 46.

2:54Shailia StephensSo wait a second. Let me, let me, let me clarify. You knew that your mom wanted to have a conversation with you during the fondue dinner?

3:04Lea WernliNo, before we met. Oh, before.

3:06Shailia StephensWhen you met before. Okay.

3:07Lea WernliApero is really Swiss too.

3:10Shailia StephensSay what apero is because it's very common here, but nobody in the US, because we, we looked at the statistics today and we saw there are quite a few listeners from the UK and the US, so they don't know what that is. Yeah.

3:20Lea WernliSo apero is, um, after work, um, you're going to have a drink and nibble some food, and a lot of people are doing that.

3:31Shailia StephensAlcoholic drink, usually.

3:33Lea WernliAlcoholic drink, usually.

3:35Shailia StephensYeah.

3:35Lea WernliProsecco, very often. That's Italian. Or beer.

3:39Shailia StephensYeah.

3:39Lea WernliSo you're a bit dizzy for dinner. Yeah. That's a big thing. You're not going to be drunk. It's just like having one or two glasses.

3:51Shailia StephensGetting a little buzz. That's what we would say. Yeah.

3:53Lea WernliUppe runten. And so we had a Prosecco. Um, ah, one time we could talk about not drinking and drinking. I didn't drink for 4 years. Yeah. because actually I wanted to see if I really could kind of, um, untangle the I want to feel better through a glass of wine feeling and coming back to the, oh, it's just a glass of wine.

4:24Shailia StephensMhm.

4:24Lea WernliAnd it worked, but, um, it took a long time. And sometimes my clients are annoyed that it's going to take them longer than they think that wisdom is telling them that it's okay to do it again or not. Yeah, that was a side note. So back to the Aparo. I knew, and I was— oh, now the word— prepared.

4:52Shailia StephensIt's one of the most difficult words for Lea to speak in English. She— it's prepared. Prepared.

5:02Lea WernliPrepared. Okay. Yep. And she started and she told me, yeah, so, um, I, I did that and I did that. And did you know that if the big one would have order in his clothes, it would be easier? And I mean, I already know what she's going to tell me because she does it like for a long time. And she knows that I know somehow, or she realizes it when she starts talking that I already know that she's going to tell me.

5:43Shailia StephensSo wait a second. Let me, let me get this straight. She has the same conversation with you every single year, and it's always the same tips and advice or things she thinks you should be Doing with the boys?

5:57Lea WernliYes.

5:58Shailia StephensOkay.

5:58Lea WernliAnd what the interesting thing is that I really, I, I, I went full-on 3P-ish and I just listened. And it's not true. I was annoyed, but I listened. And, and, and still, that was really interesting because I said, Is there more? And she said, yes. And I said, okay, tell me. And suddenly she realized, yes, it's true. She really just wants to get it out of her chest.

6:39Shailia StephensOut of her system, we say.

6:42Lea WernliYes. And I realized, okay, yeah, you can do that. Because I was really grateful that she came to our place, that we We could go to Paris. We did. No, no, no, no. It was so great. So yeah, I'm able to just listen to the same thing again and I don't have to be that annoyed. And there are things that are true as well.

7:15Shailia StephensYeah.

7:16Lea WernliBut what was the interesting discussion after, and she's open to do that, I said, are you okay with it to just clean and to order? Was ist aufräumen?

7:29Shailia StephensClean up, straighten up.

7:32Lea WernliStraighten up, clean up, just for the doing of it, or do you always want that something changes? And that was really interesting because then she said, oh, you're right, I, I want to have the people having an insight when I So let me get this straight.

7:56Shailia StephensSo she's cleaning up at your house and she's hoping that you'll come home and you'll have an aha moment.

8:05Lea WernliYes.

8:05Shailia StephensLike how wonderful it is to have it organized versus the way it was before.

8:11Lea WernliIt was not that messy, by the way. It is a little, but not that. Yeah.

8:15Shailia StephensYeah. Yeah.

8:16Lea WernliYeah. Interesting. Interesting. Interesting. And it, that just to notice, like, what are we doing? Why are we doing things? And it's okay if we want to have the other one on the inside, but we can't force the people. So, ah, very interesting. And What I wanted to say, something else, but that was— and, and we, we're not fighting anymore at all, and I'm not defending myself because I see what she sees, and I know there, there is potential. But I also see and know that we're doing so good and that we have systems and that we have, um, our way of doing things, and it is different than hers. And for me, it's very important that my boys are discovering, discovering their way.

9:28Shailia StephensYeah.

9:29Lea WernliThat it doesn't have to be my way. And I know for my mom as well, but still, I feel that I want to be helpful and I want that it's easier for you, and, and my way could be helpful. And that could be true. And I'm sure it's not always that easy to see something that could be different and knowing you can't change it for the other one. Yeah. And if it's your child, it's even Um, more difficult. But what the end of the conversation was, and that was very cool, I, I told her, look, I'm really grateful, and the only thing I really don't want is that you worry and that you take your worries serious.

10:34Because when I ask you, do you see that we are doing good and that we are happy and that our teenage boy is a happy camper and the other one as well, and we are a couple in love still after 23 years— I'm gonna do a podcast. Oh no.

10:53Shailia StephensYeah, we can do a podcast on that.

10:55Lea WernliI'm—

10:55Shailia StephensI like that stuff.

10:56Lea WernliYeah. And And we are so used to worry that we sometimes forget to see what's good and what works and to worship that and not to listen to our brain who is always worrying. And that's the only thing that would make me sad, if she would continue to do that. But she actually sees it, and then she stops. And we had a very lovely fondue with my sister.

11:38Shailia StephensMm.

11:39Lea WernliAnd I wrote on her Christmas card the poem of Mary Oliver, The Wild Geese. And I came across the poem from Ayla. I really love Ayla Coates, the very nice coach I have. Um, and the first line is, you don't have to be good. And that's so cool and so freeing and so, so human. We already are good. And we are messy and strange and weird and not perfect and worry and needy, and, and that's fine. Yeah, so it was a lovely and a bit annoying, um, um, meet up with my mom, and I really love her. And to, to also be okay with being a little annoyed, and she is worrying a little bit, and it doesn't have to be perfect. And still, it's a very cool and nice relationship we have.

12:59Shailia StephensMm-hmm. Yeah, I mean, for the, for the listeners out there, you don't know Leah's mom, but, you know, I, I don't know her that well, but I, I, you know, I see Lea and I have been walking together on life's path for a while, and I do know that your mom is lovely and that you guys have a lot of time together throughout the year where you're involved in each other's lives. And for me, it's so fascinating when you talk about these stories because, you know, my mom passed away in 2004. So that's almost been 20 years ago.

13:35Lea WernliMm-hmm.

13:36Shailia StephensThis next summer, it's gonna be 20 years. And I was really close to my mom. Um, and she's a totally different kind of character, um, than your mom is. But also, I don't have children. And so it's— I don't, I don't have that from either side, right? So there's nothing that anybody expects from me to be different. There's nobody watching out for me in the way that your mom is watching out for you. Um, there's a lot of, you know, so there's nothing— How can I say? There aren't those those apero conversations where I brace myself for them. And also, there's nobody checking in on me at all, right?

14:17Lea WernliMm-hmm.

14:17Shailia StephensAnd so that's interesting. And also with the children's aspect. So yeah, it's fascinating to me. I can imagine a lot of people out there have the mom-daughter dynamic or maybe the father-son dynamic and the children going on. And it's still interesting for me even though I don't have that. The question that came up for me is, like, do you have that as a mom? Like, do you have areas where you worry still about your boys? Or do you feel like since you've come to this understanding that the worry has completely dissipated from your motherhood journey?

14:55Lea WernliIt's— It never, it can't be completely dissipated.

15:09Shailia StephensYeah.

15:09Lea WernliOf course not. But what I see is that I'm more aware of where I am and not where they are. So it's like really, but naturally calibrating myself. It's not like I have to and I really have to be aware and how do I parry but it changed everything. And most of the time, I'm coming from a place of presence when I parent. And when I'm in my head or when I have a bad mood or a low mood, I'm okay with having all the feelings and all the this thinking about whatever issue, but I just know not to eff it up as I did sometimes before.

16:15And I know it's totally okay also to just say stuff sometimes, or, or, or be loud once, or, or whatever is coming through you in a low mood. But for me, Dr. Dick Bettinger once said, when we speak then, or when we do stuff then, when we are in the storm, in the low mood, it's like vomiting over somebody else. Or It's like, um, niesen.

17:00Shailia StephensNiesing.

17:01Lea WernliNiesing. And we don't want that, actually. Nobody wants that. And I think my parenting was the first thing that changed. Like, I was not a rude or loud or, or mom, but I was I had very huge emotions inside myself, so it was very heavy and sometimes I was overwhelmed and I didn't know how. And now I— I just know not to take these feelings and these ideas and this thinking serious.

17:53Shailia StephensMm-hmm.

17:54Lea WernliAnd the, the little one, for example, it's just an example, he does play a game that a lot of parents will know, and it's a shooter game, and I do not like it that much. And I do have a lot of thinking around it. And Still, I, I can come from a place of, is it okay? Is it too much? Um, do we have to regulate something? And as you said today, I'm interested in the aliveness as well.

18:43Shailia StephensYeah.

18:43Lea WernliIn the moment, in the, how is it now? And not in the concept of me as a mom do not like it, so it doesn't happen. It's very important to him, and all of his friends are playing it, and he has to learn how to navigate this world in his world. So I want him to be equipped with knowing how it works and also talk about the addictive part of it, talk about how his inner voice, when he's in a low mood, really wants to go there to soothe him. That's wisdom, actually.

19:35It's just Not the only coping strategy that we should have in our lives, gaming, but it's one, of course. So I'm not that attached anymore of how I see the world and how my boys have to be and— or they have a style I don't like. They're totally into the teenager and boys' style of big, um, basketball shoes and, and brands and TikTok and Insta influencer. And of course, sometimes my brain goes into the worry and, oh, well, how is it? And that's— they're influenced by strange people.

20:33And then I come back and know they're bloody wise and they know and they have to learn and they— what I want them to know is how we work, how we function, and how life works, and then to trust their navigation and what they have to experience.

20:58Shailia StephensYeah.

20:59Lea Wernlithat they know that I'm there, that we are there, that, that's the main part for me. And the worry is never, never helpful.

21:11Shailia StephensYeah.

21:11Lea WernliWhen I start to worry, I always know I have to come back, I have to chill out, I have to take my hands off my effed-up thinking. There is no solution. And of course, sometimes my brain goes there. That's fine. But I don't want to parent from there. I don't want to live from there. And I'm quite strong-handed with myself in this regard. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also with the clients, I see That's the way. When you come back to your calibration, then you start to see how to educate, how to parent, how to see the wisdom in your child again. And that's the best thing that you could do and best thing I could learn, we could learn.

22:13Shailia StephensYeah. Yeah. And just for the people out there listening, because calibration is kind of a coachy word that we use to teach our coaches, you know, where they are on the inside. So what Leah means by that is just calibrating where you are on the inside. Like, am I in a state of worry right now? That's like, then that's just checking in with yourself. And am I acting from a place of worry or not?

22:42Lea WernliMm-hmm.

22:43Shailia StephensOr rather, am I in the present moment, alive with my child, and are the things coming from there? So the calibration is just noticing where you are on the inside and from what inner place you're moving into the world with your, with your action. Yeah.

23:04Lea WernliAnd, and you can— that's the fun thing with that, to start to experiment. You Really, in little, little, small, tiny areas, you just can try it out. And I did that in all of the areas. I started to try it out and to really, really give it a try. And it, it, I mean, we've got such a lovely family life. And I really would wish that for all of the people and all the kids and all the moms. It's so cool. And I know it's bloody hard. I mean, we are exhausted too. It's like summer camp 24/7. But it's easier with that knowing. It's a lot easier.

24:03Shailia StephensMm-hmm. Mhm.

24:05Lea WernliMhm.

24:07Shailia StephensYeah.

24:10Lea WernliAnd maybe that's what you and I always have to laugh about, because you know that I've got a messy life as well. It's not like this shiny, perfect, toodle-oo life, but I, I don't care because it's filled with love and, and fun. And it's so rich because I'm, I'm more present to it.

24:42Shailia StephensYeah.

24:45Lea WernliYeah.

24:46Shailia StephensYeah.

24:47Lea WernliReal talk.

24:48Shailia StephensThat's real talk, Leah. I love this talk. I love this talk and this episode so much. And so I'm kind of gonna just make a prediction that we're just gonna keep doing this for a while. It's so good and so So juicy. Thanks for sharing that with me today. I love just touching base with you. Like, we were talking before we started the recording, like, this is like a very indulgent thing that Leah and I are doing for ourselves more than anything.

25:18Lea WernliYes.

25:19Shailia StephensSo we have time to be together. And so we don't care what you get out of it. No, no, we do hope that you that you did get something out of it. Um, and whatever that was, um, it's the perfect thing. Um, come back and listen in for the next Time for You episode. Um, subscribe to the podcast, uh, tell your friends, anybody you think could benefit from it. Um, we're just 2 middle-aged ladies from— Leah hates it when I say that— from Switzerland and Germany, or actually American living in Germany.

25:55And You know, I'm— we all have the same stuff we're dealing with in different flavors, and, um, we're just trying to help you guys, point you in the direction of, um, an easier, um, more present, loving, rich way of being in the world. Um, so yeah, thanks and see you next time.

26:16Lea WernliThank you. Bye.