06 – Matured by Mind: A 3 Principles Path to Adulting

0:03Lea WernliHi and welcome to Time for You. Um, it's a very cool creative idea that came through us to create the space for you just to hang out, to calm down, to take some time and enjoy. I'm Lea Wernli, and I'm in Zurich at the moment, and I just love to hang out and talk and have sobiet, we call it, like talking about the most interesting thing in the world, our experience as human beings, with my friend and colleague Shelia Stevens.

0:49Shailia StevensHello together, I'm Shelia, and I'm today in Frankfurt am Main, or near there, in Germany. So welcome.

1:00Lea WernliYeah, we said that we are going to talk about becoming an adult, to grow up. And actually, I, I don't think that I ever talked about it publicly. Probably not. What I've seen is that over the last couple of years, I became an adult, and it happened through the 3 principles. And how and why am I feeling or seeing that is— Actually, it, it, it really came to my awareness just a couple of days ago. I, I did talk about it with my private clients sometimes, um, but I, I listened to an addiction podcast, a German one.

2:09I, I love the guys, like 2 guys, 40, in their 40s probably, but from this electro music scenes, and they were, I think, addicted to drugs and are talking about soberness, not 3 Principles style, but they mentioned Bob. And I have a Bob too in my coaching, Uncle Bob. So the intrusive thoughts, the, the thoughts that often come when my clients or myself before, um, when I was overwhelmed or when I didn't, uh, when I wasn't able to cope with this intense emotions that I had. Um, Bob was on his way. I think Nicola Bird called it Bob too.

3:09Shailia StevensOh gosh, so many people do. Grace talks about Bob. Somebody started it and everyone thought—

3:17Lea WernliI know, Bob, the drunk Bob. And my Bob is kind of a cool fellow with a biker jacket and a bike, and he's like, come on, let's have a drink, and, ah, one doesn't matter. And it's often kind of nonchalant, um, what, what's the word in English, like very charming is mine. There are different, um, different feelings to this kind of voice, but mine goes, still goes in that direction. So, um, What happens through the principles, of course, I started to see where I am, and I started to really paying attention to the signs, to my intuition, to wisdom in the moment, to the love letters, and I could follow them a lot earlier than ever before.

4:34Because what is the crucial things when we're not listening to our inner guidance and to intuition and to the emotions that tell us where we are? It builds up. And it, it gets more intense. And often in the red space, when it's really wrapped up and, and agitated, We can't help and we still do whatever we do to soothe ourselves. Can be alcohol, eating, thinking too much, whatever it is in your case. So often there in the red and in the storm, there is not a lot we can do.

5:23Nowadays, I very, very, very rarely end up there. Because actually, I don't care how I feel. I'm able to feel whatever wants to be felt through me often, or a lot of times. And I'm paying very close— I'm looking closely to these nuggets inside of me that guide me towards help. So I feel better overall, and I very rarely feel these intense emotions, but I still do. And what I mean with growing up was I started to see, oh, I learned to feel all the feelings.

6:22That's a thing to learn as an adult. Okay. I'm not there yet. I was in the teenage stage, probably. And that evolved. I'm able to feel more and intense and all the emotions, not being afraid of them. That was one thing. The other thing is growing up to not losing myself in my drama space.

6:58Shailia StevensMm-hmm.

7:00Lea WernliBeing extremely aware of, oh, here is Bob inviting me into tantrum, drama, victimhood. Hmm. No. That's not where I want to go as a cool, responsible adult. I can feel that these emotions are there, even the invitation is there, and I'm able to choose. I'm not 3, I'm not 12, I'm 46. So Second thing. And then there were really real things in form. I was in so much drama for a lot of time because I did fuck up. I had intense feelings. I did drink, for example.

8:03Then I did stupid things. And after that, I was in shame and guilt and had to talk with my husband and think about it for days. So I wasn't a responsible adult in a lot of areas. I was, I was a good mother always. I was good at what I did in my job, but actually, for example, as a wife, Hmm, I don't know. I'm very glad that my husband loved the essence and something beneath, I don't know. I was not that good in relationship. So, there was a lot to learn.

8:54Like, yeah. I'm not okay with what I did. Now I apologize, or we find solutions, or skills in communication, not letting myself drive from shame and anger, for example. That was one part. Another, I was not that good with my money and the behavior around money. So still I learn new skills, new, very practical, how to manage, how to be aware, how to build. How to invest. Yes, it's not always easy, and yes, I have to do it for myself. Um, and there are other things.

10:07I just— the two of them were the first that came to mind. But, um, being willing to be a beginner in certain areas, even though I'm a grown-up Mother, businesswoman, um, worker. I'm also a beginner because I didn't know how I worked, because I got caught up in drama and addictive behavior, because I lost my shit. And now it's time to clean up, to, to Be willing to learn, to be willing to be a beginner, to— and to be okay with all the insecure feelings that come along with that. And it's so cool, and it's so interesting, and it's so nice.

11:06Shailia StevensMm-hmm.

11:07Lea WernliTo grow up. Yeah, that's, that, that's a part we've seldom talked about.

11:19Shailia StevensYeah, I, I really love that, Leah. And, um, me too. And I'll tell you in a minute maybe some areas where I'm starting to grow up with 49. But what, what I want to emphasize is what I— or what I'm hearing in that— you tell me, you tell me if it resonates with you. You know, I think it was George Pransky who I heard the first time talk about how mind helps us right where we are now. And I think one of the analogies was, you know, the human body. I'm going to use my—

12:02Lea WernliYeah.

12:03Shailia StevensMy words for it, but It's like when we go out, because it's winter right now.

12:13Lea WernliYeah.

12:14Shailia StevensThis morning it was 0 degrees Celsius. It's getting cold. It could be colder. And, you know, it's like when we would go outside and take an hour-long walk in the woods with not enough clothing, winter clothing, insulating clothing on. And if our body would start to sink in temperature, What our body would automatically do from the deeper intelligence is it would put all of the heat in the most critical areas, right? It would, it would be sure that our heart is warm, that our brain is warm, like our inner organs.

12:48And in those moments, the extremities would go cold, right? That's why we get, maybe when we're underdressed and cold, cold hands and cold feet and cold legs and cold arms. And so when we're warm again, when we come back inside and we heat back up, then all that heat is redistributed to all of the body.

13:13Lea WernliMm-hmm.

13:14Shailia StevensAnd to me, that's what I hear when you were talking. It's like when we don't know how we work, when we innocently feel so much emotion, And we don't understand where it's coming from. We don't notice where we are on the inside. Mind is just helping us, helping us, helping us to deal with that right now. It's like making sure the heart and the brain is warm.

13:45Lea WernliYes, I love that.

13:47Shailia StevensRight? And in the meantime, the extremities are going to be going a bit cold. The relationship learning, the money learning is just gonna not be getting heat right now. It's not getting the blood flow, and that's okay. I mean, as long as you don't get frostbite. Take your gloves and your—

14:10Lea WernliI was near frostbite.

14:12Shailia StevensYeah, sometimes we do take it pretty far. We get pretty far. But, and I hear you say, like, the minute that, that Understanding was there the minute you started to say, okay, I, I can feel these things. I don't have to do anything about that. I don't have to drink. I don't have to eat. I don't have to shop. I can be with that emotion. And the more I see it for what it is, the less intense it gets. And then you're coming back to sanity and health, and things are stabilizing.

14:48Lea WernliMm-hmm.

14:49Shailia StevensAnd then the blood flows back into the arms and legs, and I kind of see you like, whoa, my hands. Ooh.

14:55Lea WernliAnd it hurts at the beginning.

14:59Shailia StevensYes, it does.

15:01Lea WernliYes.

15:03Shailia StevensYour hands hurt like hell when, when, when the blood starts to flow back in.

15:08Lea WernliAnd it did hurt a little. It was like, whoa, I, oh, I was not responsible. I did a fuck-up. Whoa. Okay. Ow. And now I see.

15:22Shailia StevensThat's it.

15:25Lea WernliThat's it.

15:26Shailia StevensThat's it. And then there you go. Mind, mind is coming in and saying, okay, all right, now let's look at that relationship. What are some insights you need for that? Right? Like, okay, let's look at that money. What are some insights that would be helpful around that? Like, and then things start to show up and things start to get nourished in those areas, and we start to see and learn, right? So that's what I heard. That was so beautiful. And me too.

15:56Like, what I've noticed the last— gosh, it's less an opening up the last year or 2 years, but really seeing it the last week. There's a lot of drama that I create. A lot of drama that I create is still something is fun for me. in the bad things are happening on the outside. And, um, um, it creates attention or something when, when I talk about it, or poor me. Um, uh, I can't even put it into words right now.

16:35Lea WernliMm-hmm.

16:37Shailia StevensBut this week I was, um, I was all alone and my husband was in, uh, Nuremberg And he was going with his father to the oncologist and the urologist and getting his chemo plan put into place. And I knew I couldn't call him. He's like got so much more on his plate.

16:58Lea WernliMm-hmm.

16:58Shailia StevensAnd I was here with the dog at the hospital clinic. We talked about it in the last episode. And I was like, okay, I'm here now all by myself.

17:11Lea WernliHmm.

17:11Shailia StevensI'm the caregiver. I'm the protector. I'm the one. Like, I'm feeling like I need to exude this drama onto everybody else. Like, I can't handle this. This is too hard. And I'm like, no, this feels very hard. This feels very painful. I was like, had all the intense emotion, and I was just like, Growing up, being like, I can do this. I can do hard things. I can do this by myself. I have a connection to the entire wisdom of all of the universe within me. I can go inside. I can get answers from within. I can take steps moment to moment.

18:02Lea WernliMm-hmm.

18:03Shailia Stevensfrom within. I've got this.

18:06Lea WernliYes.

18:08Shailia StevensAnd there's something about that child in me wanting whatever.

18:16Lea WernliYeah.

18:18Shailia StevensAnd the growing up was, yeah, I don't need to do all that drama.

18:33Lea WernliYeah. Yeah, so cool. And, and do you remember the metaphor we sometimes had when it starts to shift and the, the real life is getting more attention and, and is juicier, and you just want to be there.

19:01Shailia StevensYeah.

19:02Lea WernliAnd not in this strange made-up drama party Bob thing in your head anymore.

19:12Shailia StevensYeah.

19:13Lea WernliAnd, and then there is this pull toward it. that is stronger and stronger and stronger.

19:24Shailia StevensYeah.

19:26Lea WernliAnd it's— we had a fun— a client of, or a student of us, I think she had this metaphor. We had it once in a, in a coaching, like donuts or, or this rich dark bread with avocado on it. So This childliness or drama or Bob thing is like, donut, take me, look here, that sugar flash, you want it. And the bread with the avocado doesn't taste that good at the beginning. That's true because we're not used to real life.

20:09Shailia StevensYeah.

20:11Lea WernliAnd then it starts to unfold. And you, you feel, I'm the one here. I'm able. I'm, I'm able to stand strong in the storm. That's who I want to be. That's who I am.

20:27Shailia StevensYeah.

20:28Lea WernliThat's who we all are. This light in form, this creative Huge potential God through us. And then we learn, we grow into that beautiful human being that is always human being and more than human being. Yeah, so cool.

21:01Shailia StevensYeah, yeah, that's so true, Leah. And I just have this feeling right now, like, I want to say, and take this with a grain of salt, because it's true and it's not true, because the world is fine without us intervening.

21:23Lea WernliYeah.

21:24Shailia StevensAnd that's what the world needs right now, is some more human beings who can just feel what they feel and stand solid in their own. And yeah, adult. Yeah, in the world.

21:43Lea WernliAnd you know what's the cool thing? It's, it's a lot easier than probably even you out there think right now. The only, the only, the only thing we have to do is the next tiny step. Towards bread with avocado. Yeah, that's it. That's, that's it.

22:07Shailia StevensThat's it. That's it. Yeah.

22:11Lea WernliThank you.

22:14Shailia StevensThank you, Leah, for the topic. It feels round for me, like we've come to a good space. So, okay, everyone listening, thank you for being with us today. Well, on this beautiful journey, we hope you had, um, fun and insightful time with us, taking time for yourself to nurture presence and love and well-being. And like and subscribe to the podcast and recommend it to anyone you know who might— could need this such important transformative conversation. I want to bring everybody along for the ride because it's so good, so juicy, so avocado and dark bread. And We'll see you on the next episodes. Till then.

23:00Lea WernliBye.