13 – Gratitude in Spades: An Audio Message From Alyssa

0:04Shailia StephensSo hello and welcome back to Time for You, where you get to take a moment to kick off your shoes, sit back, and nurture love, presence, and well-being in your life. And as you know, my name is Shaleia Stevens, and I'm coming to you today from just around near Frankfurt am Main in Germany. Leah Van Lee, who is usually with me today, who's in Zurich, would usually be popping— or already here, but she'll be popping in today, maybe during this conversation. There's a little bit of a personal situation going on that she had to take care of. And today I have a very special guest, my BFF, Alyssa Jade McDonald Beattell, coming all the way to us from Australia.

0:53Lea WernliAlyssa, hello.

0:54Alyssa Jade McDonald BeattellHi. Good evening. So tell us, from one side of the day to the other side of the day, I can tell you the day you're about to experience is gorgeous.

1:04Shailia StephensYeah, thank you for telling me that. Well, it's, it's 12 PM here and it's 9 PM at your end. Tell us where you are in Australia, Brown. And for the people— so the listeners are from the UK, they're from the United States, they're from Europe, they're kind of from all over. Not everybody knows everything about Australia.

1:24Alyssa Jade McDonald BeattellSo I will. Well, maybe somebody is even around here, you never know. I'm happy to join you today from the east coast of Australia, right in the middle, in a place called the Gold Coast, which is a beautiful set of few hundred beaches. And I'm specifically on Mermaid Beach, which is like as delightful as it sounds, and it's beautiful surf every day and full of sunshine because we have summer right now.

1:53Shailia StephensYeah, Alyssa's been sending me lots of, um, photos and videos, and she looks very much like a mermaid herself. She's pretty much in the water every day. She's sending me surfing photos or jogging up and down the beach and all the stuff she's been doing. Um, well, Alyssa, let's jump into the podcast topic. So last week, you sent me a message on WhatsApp, I think it was, and Lissa is notorious for sending me quite long messages. Sometimes they are upwards of 10, 15 minutes, and, you know, I get through all of them, no problem, and last week was no exception.

2:40Another message came through, and I like to listen to Lisa's messages in the morning when I'm doing my makeup, especially now that she's right in Australia. So you were kind of in your afternoon time sending me messages, and I was just getting up, and this message really kind of hit home with me. It really, it really did something to me. And I want to talk about that message that, that you sent, and it has to do with gratitude. And maybe before we talk about the message, let's talk about Queenie a little bit, because we have to put our main character into focus to understand the story.

3:29Queenie is Alyssa's mom, and that's not her actual name, but it's what we call her. And Yeah, Alyssa, maybe, maybe give the listeners just some insight into who Queenie is and the situation that she finds herself in. Just a little context for the, for the conversation.

3:50Alyssa Jade McDonald BeattellWill do. Queenie is my beautiful mother. She's the type of, uh, woman that you would have as a friend that when she came into the room, you would start laughing already. Because she would either enter with a sparkle or make you laugh as you enter. And she would be the sort of person that was steadfastly at your side for whatever issue you were championing. When she was 21, she took a boat from Australia to Europe to go backpacking and working for 4 years back in the 1960s when it was still considered to be exciting.

4:29She met a man from Papua New Guinea and ended up moving to the jungles and establishing agricultural lands. She was always exploring and finding new ways. Hi, Leah, lovely to see you.

4:40Shailia StephensHi, Leah, right in the middle.

4:43Alyssa Jade McDonald BeattellAnd so this is Queenie. She's this miraculously large personality full of heart. And like I started off saying, she's the sort of friend that she's the one that you would want to be your friend. And I was just very lucky to have her as a mother. And so this personality that would get on a boat in the 1960s and travel for 3 months to get to Europe, this sort of person who had moved up in New Guinea, this is, this is, you know, intellectually curious.

5:16This is culturally aware. This is spirited and joyous. This is courageous and unafraid. this is who she is as, as a person. And currently she is older. She's 83 and she has dementia. And we saw dementia coming in when she was around 50. So it's been a slow and graceful slide into like cognitive fog and confusion and fear, uh, which, uh, she somehow has managed with this same spirit as the one that seems to have taken her around the world before and, and been a joy.

6:01And, and this is the, the message I left you, Shailia, is I'm, I'm in Australia now for 6 weeks. I come home every year to spend a large amount of time with her, and, uh, I'm just overwhelmed every day I visit her in a nursing home. And she has the dementia to the point where she can't construct a sentence anymore. She can answer yes or no, and she communicates with sounds and her body language, her intentionality, which is if she's, you know, she's often dancing and she's always singing.

6:34That's her language. But she can't say what she did today, and she can't discuss things necessarily. So communicating with her about, you know, is she okay? What's going on? How does she feel? What does she need? Um, does she have any pain? You know, she's 83. I don't know about you, but I'm only 44, and I've got like, I've got a niggle on my hip and I've got something on my knee. Um, and you know, I have cognitive processes where I can communicate that, and she doesn't have that so much anymore. Um, what she has is a heart full of sparkle, joy, and gratitude. She communicates Fully, but with this positive spirit that I've never seen in another individual in my life.

7:25Shailia StephensYeah, yeah, yeah. Hi, Leah, welcome to the conversation. We're just giving some background to Queenie, to Alyssa's mom. Yeah, Alyssa, I, I want to say a few words about Queenie, if I might, as well, before we get really into it. You know, I remember meeting her when you and I were just kind of fresh friends. I mean, it must have been 10, 11 years ago. I really love Queenie so much. She really is such a loving and joyous person. And I didn't know that she had already been experiencing the dementia, like, from her 50s onward.

8:10Like, when I met her, At that time, I guess it must have been around 2008 or '09, roundabout. I found her quite alert and cognitively there, considering her— if that was her situation. I didn't really recognize it at that time. I just remember one of the first times when she had come back after I'd known her for a few years and being in your apartment in downtown Frankfurt. near kind of near the main train station and Gwynny getting kind of lost when she would leave your apartment and go downstairs and kind of wander around the building and not be able to find her way back up.

8:48That was the first time I, you know, really recognized that something was going on with her. And I've just been on this journey with you as a friend, you know, just from you sharing like how things are developing and how you're coping and And that's been a great— it's been a great gift to me. I always feel like Queenie is one of our biggest teachers, and I'm saying my— one of my biggest teachers and one of your biggest teachers. I can't tell you how much I learn when you see something through your interaction with her.

9:22And maybe to set the stage a little more, you know, I really could relate recently. Alyssa was sharing with me she's back home in Australia where she doesn't live the majority of the time. She's usually blitzing around the world to all different countries, or she's in Spain and all over the place. I know how it is to go home and you've got your whole family there, your mom, your dad, your grandparents, maybe your aunts, your uncles, or whoever's living, and kind of to feel that pressure of like, where do I spend my time and how can I make it so that I give love to everybody?

9:59And I know you were also in that space recently. I had this feeling like it must be even more so when you have a parent in that situation who you love very dearly and trying to balance, you know, how much time to spend with her, how much time do you have to give in the situation. And I know you're working there as well. Alyssa graciously came on today for a 9 PM call, but she has like a 2 AM meeting that's coming up, so she's got a lot going on. So that's kind of where the message starts off last week that I got from Alyssa.

10:37And yeah, Queenie's way of being just helped her to really solve that dilemma pretty easily. And I don't know if you'd like to just share the content of the message, you know, in your words today, Alyssa, what you told me.

10:56Alyssa Jade McDonald BeattellYeah, absolutely. That's a really good realization that you've made, that it helped me solve the dilemma about priorities and where to— how to be everything to everyone at once. And, uh, Queenie was a good example. So while I'm here, as you said, I'm working and I have friends and family and commitments and all sorts of things to do. And, um, I, I try to visit my Queenie every day. She is a bike ride away. It's about half an hour on the bike, and it's the middle of summer, and an Australian summer is warm.

11:34And I planned it like that because I thought, what a lovely idea, I'll turn up. But inevitably, it's a bit sweaty and it's a bit hot sometimes, and I feel a bit flustered, and I don't turn up looking the nicest always, or I'm in the middle of taking a call here and dropping something off. Um, in the beginning I was thinking, oh, I should really, you know, it's a nursing home and I should look a bit nice and I should, you know, like anything, thinking to be everywhere to everyone, but also be the best to everyone at every place. And that inevitably grows barriers. And what I just found was just turning up, she was just full of gratitude.

12:17Lea WernliThank you.

12:18Alyssa Jade McDonald BeattellThank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for everything. Thank you for the bunny's ears. Thank you for being here. She never asked me where I was before this. She never asked me where I was going to after this. She's 100% present in the times that we spend together. She's like fully there and she's just so grateful for everything. And I know she's 83. She's got a bit of wiggles going on with the hips. She broke her back 2 years ago. I mean, it's, it's still healing, but I've not heard her say one word of negativity.

13:00She's— I'm here 6 weeks. I visit her every day. I hear how lovely the staff are. I hear how delicious the food is. I hear what a beautiful day it is. I hear thank you for coming to visit. I hear isn't that lovely music that's being played? From a person who does experience fear and anxiety, because I see it come across her face when she realizes that she's forgotten something or she can't speak or she can't get out her intentionality. I see when she moves that something hurts in her back because she stops and her face demonstrates it.

13:40She doesn't say it. And it's not learned stoicism. It's not, um, positive psychology or sunny side of the rainbow. It's because she doesn't have the cognitive capacity to hold those philosophies. Those walls are very hard to hold up. I know I hold up many of them in my days. She doesn't have that capacity because she just struggles to understand that where I'm feeding her her meal and she's like, that's delicious. And it's a good nursing home, but I know it's not delicious.

14:27And it's just, I, I I'm struck by her level of gratitude and her utter absence of negativity and her absence of comparison. And however I turn up— sweaty, salty, caught in the rain, only there for a minute because I have to do something else— none of that even matters. I don't even bother saying how long I'm there for or not. Like, I don't even bother saying why I'm wearing bike pants again. She doesn't even notice.

14:57Shailia StephensThey're pink.

14:58Alyssa Jade McDonald BeattellOr they're blue. And the lunch is delicious and the coffee is funny. And I think, Shirley, the message I wanted to share with you, and I know it's a value that you and Leah hold very close together, especially in your work together, which is that presence, being utterly present, And leaning into the— just that she is my living example of this. And I shared the message with you because I thought that's what we talk about sometimes, and it's only something you practice. And here is somebody who doesn't seem to practice.

15:42Shailia StephensYeah, she just Yeah, and you also said something else in that message, like, you know, how easy it made it for you to show up. Could you talk a little bit about that, Alyssa? Because that was really powerful to me. Like, it just didn't matter what you could give that day, it just made it easy for you. That was really— that really stuck with me, but I want to hear it from you.

16:15Alyssa Jade McDonald Beattellit lowered the barrier. So I didn't have to look nice. I didn't have to stay long. I didn't do anything. So my willingness to give anything went through the roof. And so I didn't double-check myself. I didn't moderate or don't moderate myself. I don't think how I could do something better. I don't stop and try and do something bigger. It just Do whatever's in the, whatever's in the tank that day. We go with that. And that meant that I turn up every single day.

16:51And I have a fantastic time because probably in my mind I'm not thinking today's going to be a grand day. I'm going to buy her, you know, we're going to go shopping and I'm going to buy her this. Or today's going to be a grand day. We're going to play and sing the ukulele like Because who knows how she's going to be on the day? And that's a bit like life, isn't it? It's a bit like having no expectations on one side, but also her way of saying yes to everything and not questioning anything outside of that meant that everything that could come through was, um, everything that I have.

17:30And it's not just me, it's like The team at this nursing home, I mean, there's— they all know her and how she's a dancer and a chatter and a happy one and everything. And they, they do all sorts of things. I turn up, her hair is in immaculate braids. She's got bits and pieces of her, you know, I, I have like these mermaid clip-in funny hair color pieces. Like, they spend time on her every day. She looks She can't dress herself, you know, she can't do all of this. And they spend this time— so she is total show pony every day, having as much as she would always be. But it's kind of like, I think it works, the magic works with them too.

18:13Lea WernliYeah.

18:13Alyssa Jade McDonald BeattellBecause she's just like up for everything. And, um, and so then they will do everything, and I see them spending a lot of time. I, um, Everything around her is, is radiating that. There's a funny little experience we made in the hospital last year when she broke— 2 years ago when she broke her back. I think I had left you a message about this, that in the hospital she broke her back. And in the hospital, the doctors would come in and they're exhausted.

18:46They're like, you know, seeing everybody every day and doing their very best. But they're humans, man. And sometimes they get yelled at by patients and sometimes they're just tired and sometimes they're doing an extra shift and, you know, sometimes they've got personal stuff going on. And when Mum was in the hospital with the, with the back broken, she was in quite severe pain and she wasn't her usual sunny self. She certainly wasn't full of gratitude.

19:10She was just kind of neutral and fearful. And she would often look at the doctors when they come in to assess what's going on because she doesn't have the cognitive capacity. She would always read what other people are doing. And we found that we could intercept that process by kind of showing the doctors first who she is. So they responded. So we made her— we sat on the floor and we got— my brother and I, we got cardboard and we cut out hats and with ears and with signs on there saying, I'm a sunshine, and, and lips and all sorts of things.

19:46And we found that creating a signal, a visual signal on her that she's this person inside. They would come in and come in and then they would look up and they would give her this magic moment and she read it and felt it in a second and she sent it straight back. And she went from like, and, and we found that, oh, it's, you know, it's It's so easy to create these ping-pongs of connection and joy and sparkle. And there's another, another example of, of how just showing those colors and that openness is, is so remarkable.

20:32The experience for mom was just amazing. And then she could be her full sunshine self because she's like, oh, I'm safe, it's all good. They're showing me things that are fine, I'm fine. Yeah, yeah, interesting. Yeah, yeah, I—

20:49Shailia Stephensthat's one of the things that I've learned. Leah, I'm gonna ask you in a minute for— to come in because I don't want you to be silent the whole time. Um, it's one of the things I really learned throughout your journey with, with your brother as well, with Nate and other family members who are involved, you know, in the whole thing, is Just watching you guys follow your intuitions tiny step by tiny step all through the way. And what you just talked about, you know, just kind of noticing, huh, she's reacting to that.

21:24What do I feel would help her with that? And, and going from that inner space of getting an impulse to, to do that, to show that outward sign. Watching you guys do that again and again and again and again, um, has just been a life lesson for me, Alyssa. I don't want to get really emotional, but I sometimes like feel really emotional about Queenie, you know it, um, on the love that you guys have together. And, um, last week when I'm coming back to the message, um, what, what that did for me or why it touched me— and, and this is why, um, Leah and I love this understanding, we love the podcast and all of it— is because everyone's going to hear something different out of that.

22:06You know, like someone is going to take away something totally different than I took away. It's— this is not saying this is the takeaway you should get out of what Alyssa is saying, but what I took out of it was immediately when the message was over, I started to sort of virtually go through my relationships with everybody that I care about. And I just noticed, where do I show up the way Queenie's showing up? Not, you know, present, but also with no expectations, you know.

22:39And, and you're one of the people who I could put a check on, like, you know, you, you travel a lot, you're always on the go, you could— you, you jump in, you jump out. Like, I might hear from you tons in a row, or long time not, and vice versa. And where I have no expectations on you, every minute that you give me I'm, I'm coming with a Queenie thank you. Thank you. And there, I don't— it doesn't matter where you've been, except for I'm interested in what you're— what's been going on in your life.

23:08Not to check, were you with another friend versus me, or did you spend enough time? I don't have that with you at all. And I have other relationships that I was just checking mentally, but that's not true, where I, where I do have expectations, where I don't just show up with a thank you. I set limitations on, you know, what's acceptable, what's not acceptable. And I looked into those relationships and I, you know, asked the reverse question, which is, am I making it easy for that other person to be with me, to give what they— what's from their heart?

23:54Alyssa Jade McDonald BeattellMm-hmm.

23:55Shailia Stephensactually constricting their giving and pushing them away with, with that expectation, right? And it was just like, like a moment of reflection that I had, and it really, it really shifted some things for me in some relationships, just subtly in the last week, just since I heard that conversation. So I just wanted to share that with you because I know, I know it meant something for you to take time out of your day to share that with me. That I, that I took it wholeheartedly and saw something for myself. So I just wanted to say that. Leah, what about you? What did you hear in all of that?

24:34Lea WernliLike, yeah, it's really just thank you. It's so lovely to see you, to hear both of you, and to feel the love and just The luck of having the opportunity to be in the same room at this moment in time, and that's all. And maybe it's the— at the end, it's love. And it's love. And that's so cool to feel and know and see and tap into. And also knowing that it's always love, even when people do not feel it and not know it and not experience it. It's still there. And it's always just a glimpse, just a moment, just a smile, just a song away. And that's incredible, hopeful. And your mom and you are lighthouses, like towards this, oh, look there, it's love. So thank you.

26:21Shailia StephensYeah, yeah, thank you, Alyssa. And also, I wanted to say something today because it's been on my heart before we close up, like Just about caregivers in general. Because I think it was Rose Kennedy who talked about, you know, we're all going to either be caregivers in our life and/or receive care in our lives. And it's a process like that kind of rolls in each of our directions in some form or another. People who have children, they get it earlier than others. You know, Leah's caring for 2 boys and also a girl who's kind of like her, her daughter in a way.

27:04Alyssa Jade McDonald Beattellway now.

27:07Shailia StephensFor me, I always kind of avoided the caregiving role because my mother died from caregiving. That's like, that's what my inside intrinsic idea is of her giving too much of herself to the detriment of herself in a way, out of a lot of love. And maybe that's not even true. Maybe that's something I get to look at new as life goes on, but it's been my idea of it. And recently, I've been in the caregiving role just for my dogs, you know, just for my puppies who are really sick.

27:44And what I noticed was a whole new level of love opened up in giving care for something in a way that really, really needed my help. And that's what I see also, Alyssa, in your situation with your mom. that role of a caregiver, it kind of deepened your bond in a way, and it deepens your insights, it deepens your growth. So I just wanted to say out there to all the caregivers or the people being cared for, or the people who are coming into that role soon, like, just like hats off. It's such a special experience that can be massively hard and sometimes overwhelming, but also it can be— full of gifts. Um, I just wanted to share that because I've been seeing that a lot lately. Yeah.

28:38Alyssa Jade McDonald BeattellYeah, that's a lovely thought. While you were sharing that, Shailia, it made me wonder about in the caregiving role how we can learn to be a care receiver, because it's a little bit the feeling that I have the lesson from my mom in terms of I have less of a fear of the future and my own aging and things when I think, oh, that's, that's the model to run. It's, oh, it's just gratitude and it's lowering expectations and making it easy to receive as such and to just trust that what will come is needed. And it certainly in my mind improves my thinking about being a care receiver. In the future, in aging. But we could also bring that to today. It doesn't, you know, it's a principle.

29:37Shailia StephensYeah.

29:40Alyssa Jade McDonald BeattellAs opposed to a time or a condition or a circumstance.

29:45Shailia StephensYeah.

29:47Alyssa Jade McDonald BeattellSo maybe we can, um, try something in the next week or so when we receive Yeah.

30:00Lea WernliCare.

30:01Alyssa Jade McDonald BeattellBut it's our little one offering us a tea or whatever, you know, how full or not the cup is, how warm or not the tea is, the tea bag is in or even out, like whatever it is, right? How can we receive with the level of gratitude almost that the Queenie would, which is, you know, Returning the gratitude with song and dance to the person. I wonder what it would do.

30:30Lea WernliYeah, what just came to mind when you were speaking, I run out of the house today early morning because of someone I, I care, and I was yelled at at the place when I arrived, and And I sat down on the stairs for a moment after that. And it was like, yeah, I'm sitting here. And yeah, it's cold. And yeah, I've been yelled at. And I would run out of the house tomorrow morning again. It just doesn't matter somehow. And it sounds weird. And it's not that I don't feel the, oh, what's going on and dare you.

31:33And, but I just don't let my thinking carry myself away. It's happening and I feel it, and then I sit on the stairs and the love appears again because it doesn't go away by whatever experience I have. And to go with that and not with the idea of how it should be, or— it's so light because it doesn't take long. And half an hour later, The person said sorry, and I didn't expect that, but it was already over, and it was already done, and I was not caught up in the experience till then.

32:54And in this caregiving role, or in the role of being alive and In relationships with people, to, to come back a bit faster and lighter. It's so much more fun and, and Not deeper, but easier. I don't feel the burden of it than how it was before. I felt burdened and, and caught up in a lot of work and a lot of thinking about the work and a lot of stress. And, and the work is not less. It's still sometimes a lot and still sometimes a lot to juggle, but a lot less thinking and more presence and more felt love, not just the knowing of love. And that's very cool.

34:36Shailia StephensYeah, thank you guys. This is such a lovely conversation today. And yeah, as always, like, we really hope that you hear something for yourself. Whatever that is, whatever your wisdom needs to hear right now, whatever goes in resonance with you. So yeah, enjoy that knowing or that seeing. I got an email from a listener because we always say at the end of the podcast, if you, you know, if you want to continue to hear these episodes on Spotify or Apple Podcasts or Google, Google Podcasts, Bobby, I think it's called too.

35:14And it's called Follow, Not Subscribe. She told me very kindly because we've been saying subscribe to the podcast. It's follow us on, on one of these platforms. And if you know someone in your environment, you know, family, friends who could benefit from this episode, share it with them, particularly people who are caregiving, are receiving care, people who might, you know, find the topic interesting because they are themselves going through that in life. Share that with them. We'd love for you to do that. So thank you, Alyssa, for coming in the middle of the night, Australia time.

35:52Lea WernliThank you.

35:52Shailia StephensThank you, Leah, for popping in even though you have so much going on in your day. And we'll hear you the next time on Time for You. Until then, bye-bye.