49 – Stop Forcing Clarity in Love Relationships: Finding Peace in the Unknown Together

0:04Shailia StephensEach of us was nodding to the other like, you start. We're like, no, you start. Should I, should I go, Lea? Because I'm going to talk, talk a bit. Okay.

0:11Lea WernliYeah.

0:12Shailia StephensAll right. Hi, hi everyone. Welcome back to Time for You. Lea and I are still hanging out on the same Friday as the last 2 episodes. She's still got on her pink Barbie hat. Um, we're maybe a little less tired than we started. I don't know, Lea.

0:24Lea WernliYeah, probably. I think so.

0:26Shailia StephensYeah, I think we're, I think we're pretty sharp and woken up for the considering, considering our tiredness. So I'm Shalia, this is Leah Van Lee. Hi, Leah.

0:36Lea WernliHi.

0:37Shailia StephensAnd, um, we're gonna talk today again, we're going to talk again, again about relationships, but I think that it has a broader context and I want to bring another example out of real life and this this is something that happened to me in my relationship with my husband. And I was clueless to the fact of what I was doing. And so when I, when I spoke with someone recently in a coaching conversation, it was, it was going sort of in this direction. 2 people are in love.

1:19They've been together for about a year. One of them's biological clock is ticking and wanting to know, is this a real relationship? And should we move in? Should we start a family? Should we, like, do this whole spend our life together kind of thing? Like, tick-tock, tick-tock, I need to know where this is going kind of a thing.

1:47Lea WernliMm-hmm.

1:48Shailia StephensAnd one of the partners being in this space of, I don't know yet. I don't know. I'm not feeling a yes or a no for moving in together. I'm not feeling a no, but I'm also not quite feeling a yes. I'm kind of in the unknown right here about it. But I really like spending time with you a lot. Like, when we are out and, um, we're playing with the dog and we're in the park and we're present in the moment, it's so great. I mean, I really like it a lot, and things are gelling between us. And the other partner is like, I don't know if that's good enough.

2:31Lea WernliMm-hmm.

2:32Shailia StephensUm, um, I feel like you don't know what you want from your life. Um, I feel like you don't have a vision. Where's your vision? Like, where's your vision with your job? Where you want to be in your career in 5 years? Where's your vision about knowing if you want kids or not? You know, like, you know, where do you see yourself with 80? I mean, do you not know this kind of a situation? Like, what's kind of what's wrong with you type of situation? And the other partner is like, oh my God, is this person right? Like, I think I need a vision. I don't have a vision for my life. Right? And so the topic that this person came into for the coaching was like, I need to find a vision for my life. Right?

3:26Lea WernliYeah.

3:27Shailia StephensAnd you have to be careful as a coach because you might be working on totally the wrong topic. You got to check that with the person first. And when we started to talk, you know, it became really apparent this person is a very present person. Like, you could really see it in the way we were talking. He was there and present in the moment. And he's present when he sits down and does his job. He has a really good internal compass of Do I like what I'm doing right now? Yes, I do. Or no, I don't. Right? Like, totally healthy navigation system of being right here, right now, knowing what's good or what's not good for him, you know? And happy.

4:24Lea WernliHappy. Mm-hmm.

4:25Shailia StephensI was like, are you happy? He's like, let me think about it. And he's like, Yeah, yeah, I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm actually quite satisfied with my life. And I'm like, so, okay, cool. I'm like, so what do you need a vision for? And he's like, I'm not sure I do, but my partner said I did need one, kind of a situation. And it's causing all kinds of problems. And I'm— and I've got this label as I'm, um, ich komme nicht in die Pütte.

4:55Lea WernliI'm, um, I'm not Yeah, I'm not moving forward.

5:01Shailia StephensI'm not moving forward, right? And I had to think back to my, my relationship. My Lord, the youngest— my younger self as a young wife, what a pain in the ass I was. Um, always trying to push my husband to have a, have a vision, have a plan, have a Mm-hmm. A 5-year goal, you know, like, what do we want as a couple and all this kind of stuff. I mean, I probably drove him bananas. Um, but he didn't drink the Kool-Aid.

5:38Lea WernliYeah. Mm-hmm.

5:40Shailia StephensAnd my husband didn't drink the Kool-Aid. He just was like, I don't need that. I'm happy the way I am. And he, and he just let me be over there complaining and stressed as I was.

5:50Lea WernliMm-hmm. Right.

5:53Shailia StephensSo, yeah. What are you hearing in that, Lea?

5:58Lea WernliIt's so interesting because actually what I do at the moment with my clients at the beginning is a wish list, like Nicola Bird did with you.

6:13Shailia StephensYeah.

6:14Lea WernliWith everything on it. Everything, like love and career and whatever you want, a vision, a love letter, a document for yourself. But somehow from a very light place.

6:30Shailia StephensYeah.

6:31Lea WernliIt could be a, a thing to play with, or not at all. So again, there is no right or wrong, but where it starts to get really complicated is when we think that there is a right way or a wrong way or a way how it has to be.

6:58Shailia StephensYeah.

6:59Lea WernliAnd we start to project it on our partners or kids or friends or whoever it is, and then it's, it's so sticky and, and, and it That's, that's so interesting because often there, there is something probably in it that is very valuable for— was valuable, valuable, valuable, valuable, valuable for you when you were a young wife. Like, ah, I just— maybe it could have been even fun at the beginning. Like, who do we want to be? And the field is open. And in 5 years, and then suddenly it gets like, but who do we need to be and what do we need to have? And all these ideas of what's a good life, what's a secure life, what's a, a right life.

8:05Shailia StephensAnd yeah, it was never light with me. I was always directly stressful.

8:08Lea WernliAnd, and as you say, so I mean, most of the time it is stressful and Of course, it's a lot of thinking about what's the right or the wrong way. And that's never right. Because it's always a thing for someone.

8:29Shailia StephensHmm.

8:30Lea WernliAnd of course, when we are with people, we, we need to find common ground. And the most easiest way to find common ground is when we are grounded in ourself. When we are okay with how we are, when we are having more peace of mind than less peace of mind, Mm-hmm. Then we are better with being different. And in the world, in the form, in the being humanness, yes, we are different. Because we had different upbringings, ideas, schools, cultures, That's true, but our brain, our stormy thinking, our tension— the tension inside of us is bringing up the differences. And then we think again, we need to fix the differences.

9:33Shailia StephensYeah.

9:34Lea WernliInstead of seeing, I'm, I'm, I'm okay when I'm peaceful and grounded. Um, when I see that I'm love and the universe is creating through me moment by moment, then I can have a plan and my partner doesn't have a plan at all, or he has one and I'm okay with him having but not me. So then we are able to see that we are functioning the same way and being different in the world.

10:08Shailia StephensHmm.

10:10Lea WernliAnd then it's easier to be with this sometimes a bit paradoxical thing of being human.

10:22Shailia StephensYeah. Yeah. Oh my gosh.

10:26Lea WernliYeah.

10:27Shailia StephensI, I wish somebody had told me that when I was, when I was freshly married, I would have saved myself years of, I mean, we had, we had an overall very harmonious relationship, but it wasn't because of me. It was because I Michael just, uh, navigated being with the pain in the ASS, uh, pretty well. Like, he, he, he took the brunt of most of my, my stressful thinking putting on him. So good luck, you know, good on— good for me. I got a harmonious, uh, marriage, not for my own, from my own work, but from his. I, I realized that much later. But I love what you said about—

11:06Lea WernliYeah.

11:07Shailia Stephensyou know, both people coming from a grounded place and that being the basis for common ground. Because there could be situations where it doesn't fit.

11:22Lea WernliYeah.

11:23Shailia StephensLike, you know, you've been together for a year, you love each other, you're having a great time. In present moments, you're just, you're in the flow of life. And one person wants to have children now, and the other person doesn't.

11:39Lea WernliYeah.

11:40Shailia StephensAnd if both people are in their own grounding, in a peaceful place, in a calm place, in a clear space, in a loving understanding, you can see that it just isn't fitting together that way. And you can lovingly go different ways. Maybe stay friends, maybe not, like whatever the thing is. But I think what we try to do, and I'm only gonna speak for myself 'cause that's the best way to start often. You know, a lot of times when I was that young, I was trying to, I didn't really think Heiko needed a vision. I was just trying to press him into my vision of what I wanted, whether he wanted it or not. Do you know what I mean?

12:25Lea WernliMm-hmm.

12:26Shailia StephensLike, I was the one who went out and bought my own engagement ring because I wanted to get married right now. I didn't want to— I didn't want to wait, you know? And had I, had I been coming from a place of grounding, we might have ended up exactly where we are now. And we, we may not have, I don't know. But that would have been just a much more lovely place to be in.

12:51Lea WernliMm-hmm.

12:52Shailia StephensYeah.

12:53Lea WernliI love that. And oh yeah, so crazy. Why, why didn't we know it? Why is nobody talking about it? We are now, and you guys are, and all of us are. But yes, it's, it's, it's simple, and, and it isn't easy because of course everything else out there is pointing in the other direction. You need that because of— and maybe often because someone wants to sell something. But, um, yeah, to really realize that we are able to be different.

13:43Shailia StephensMm-hmm.

13:43Lea WernliAnd we are able to navigate differences, and we are able to also see and feel when it's not probably the same path anymore as well.

14:01Shailia StephensMm-hmm.

14:02Lea WernliSo maybe it's a fear of acknowledgment of, oh, maybe that's, um, not okay for me anymore, even though I love you, or even though I want to be with you, or because the other thing is stronger in me, and then there is this neediness of, I need you to be different so that I can fulfill whatever my wish or dream is. And it's not true. And often it— you, you got lucky, but often it ends, um, different. Mhm.

14:44Shailia StephensYeah, yeah, absolutely.

14:46Lea WernliYeah.

14:49Shailia StephensThat's all I have to say about it, Leah. And it's so funny, in the last couple of weeks and months, I've had so much contact with young people who are just fresh married or in a few years in their relationships, just having kids, like so far away from where I am, having been married 30, almost 30 years together and 25 years married. I think, oh my gosh, I wish, I wish. So if anyone's listening out there right now and you're a 3P coach and you feel a calling to work with these young people, it's not necessarily my calling, but I feel like they need so much someone out there helping them, talking about, because the world is so upside down. Like what they're seeing on social media.

15:37Lea WernliMm-hmm.

15:40Shailia Stephensyou know, TikTok, Instagram, there's so much, there's so much relationship advice, but none of it is 3 principles based and none of it is inside out based. It's like so much, so much talk about narcissism, so much talk about, um, kind of, uh, attachment or avoidance, um, behaviors, like all kinds of different things where people are just looking, um, at putting each other in a box and—

16:07Lea WernliMm-hmm.

16:08Shailia StephensNobody's, or very few people are talking about what you said today. I love that, Leah. I really love that. I'm going to remember it. Just both people being grounded and finding common ground from there. I wish more people were helping those young people with that. So maybe my wish goes up to the universe.

16:30Lea WernliYes.

16:30Shailia StephensYes.

16:30Lea WernliMe too. Yeah, that's true. So thank you for spending time with us. It was, it was very nice. It was really interesting today. I think we had, um, not new topics, but maybe we did speak a bit differently. And that's the, the cool thing with like this conversation as well. It always changes and we are— we can always see something new and different and it never ever ends. I see things new like every day, every day. And I, I, I do love that. And it becomes a, a way of being in the world.

17:19And that's just amazing to live from there. So we hope that you could take something out for yourself, and maybe you want to share this episode with someone, with a young person or a family or a young couple who could benefit from it. So yeah, and let us know. So thank you. Bye-bye.

17:44Shailia StephensThanks everybody. Bye-bye.