37 – The Gift of Feelings: Two Steps to Embracing Every Emotion

0:03Lea WernliHi and welcome back to Time for You. I'm Lea Wernli and I'm in Zurich and I'm with my friend Shelia Stevens.

0:14Shailia StephensHi.

0:15Lea WernliShe is near Frankfurt at the moment. And in the last episode, we were talking about crazy December 2024. Do you say that like that?

0:31Shailia StephensYeah.

0:31Lea WernliYeah. We had a quite rough and tough December, both of us, and we navigated, like, we came out of it and we had a good mood and, yeah, somehow sane. We stayed sane throughout all of these things happening. And what just came to me Was there is, there is something deeper going on somehow. And it's around, I, I just don't have to manage my feelings anymore. And that's why I've got a lot more space to manage life. And before, I was so caught up in managing my feelings that I had little space to manage life.

1:37So that's why I, it added up to even heavier and, and more dramatic, more chaotic things. because I couldn't see clear. I wasn't able to be just with whatever I felt. I, I did drink or eat or buy or overthink or worry on top of life events. So I ended up in, in really dark places and, and rabbit holes and covered under a lot of thinking about the feelings I didn't want to have. And somehow I think there is something in it, and it isn't that complicated, or it isn't that you need to learn a lot or change a lot.

2:41It's more in, in That what you said the last time, like leaning into life. We were talking into leaning into life. And what I just realized, and leaning into the feeling as well, because I'm not afraid of it. So it's there. I am sad or agitated or angry even, or afraid for a moment because the heavy ball that life is throwing at me is there for a moment. And I feel it. And I don't have to do anything with it. And that fact instantly Opens up space for, oh, what's next?

3:42Is there something to do? What else? How can I help? Compassion, whatever is underneath. And I think a lot of the lightness that I feel these days comes from Really not being afraid of any feeling. And the urge to change a feeling is far less than it used to be. Yeah, that was just a side note or something that came up when I was thinking about our last conversation.

4:29Shailia StephensYeah, I think there's so much in there, Leah. And I, I don't— I can't talk about specific situations that, that I experienced in December or November, but I had quite a few experiences with other people who, who were really, really trying to manage their feelings. and came into a state of paralysis in their life.

5:02Lea WernliMm-hmm.

5:03Shailia StephensAnd it was so innocent and so obvious from the outside looking into the situation. There was this just huge ball of feelings coming from a ball of thought storms happening. And so much fear in the people around what those feelings were and meant and trying to avoid them. I think that that's a lot, a lot of things that we do when we don't understand our feelings is we try to avoid them. And in the avoidance of them, we, we've— we come into a state of utter paralysis.

5:46Lea WernliMm-hmm.

5:48Shailia StephensUm, that, that came, that came to me when you were talking and I, I was having a conversation a couple of weeks ago. Um, Phillips, um, from the Naki Valley refugee camp, um, he, he was going to one of the, the villages and he was asking me to come and speak about feelings. And I was just thinking of that when, when you were talking. And one of the It, it kind of is— I'm not gonna say it. I was having some difficulties at first trying to talk about it, um, with them, because one of the things that we want people to understand when we teach the 3 principles there is that sort of beginner teaching around good thoughts bring good feelings, right?

6:44So positive thoughts are— bring positive feelings.

6:47Lea WernliMm-hmm.

6:48Shailia StephensAnd we're, we're pointing them on the one hand to, you have the free will which thoughts you go with and which ones you don't, right?

6:58Lea WernliMm-hmm.

7:00Shailia StephensAnd what sometimes happens is that the people understand that, and then they, they, they don't understand, however, that, and that good feelings aren't the only things we have. We have thousands of thoughts, thousands of feelings every day that come into our experience. And what occurred to me to talk about on that, on that day was just the fact that feelings are a spiritual gift. And for me, they're synonymous with thought, you know, because Mm-hmm.

7:39they come together, they're in a package there. We feel, we feel what we think and so on. And I was trying to point them to the fact that the feelings that we get, no matter what they are, they're just letting us know we're alive. We're, we're experiencing that spiritual gift of feeling, or the spiritual gift of thought. And we, we can literally feel anything, all of the emotions, right? We talk about that. We talked about that a lot in the first couple of years when we came together, Leah, about that.

8:16Lea WernliMm-hmm.

8:18Shailia StephensI'm on mit alem, you know, getting a hot dog and putting on all the ingredients on there. And I heard you say, I heard you pointing in that direction. It's like, part of being alive is having an entire range of feelings.

8:39Lea WernliMm-hmm.

8:41Shailia StephensAnd that is totally totally okay. Um, I was, I was talking with a man in the, in the refugee camp and he was asking me a question. He was, he was saying, I had a, I had a recent situation. Um, someone stole my chickens. And he was like, I felt, I felt really agitated about that. And he was, he wasn't sure what to do with that because we had been teaching him Positive thoughts bring positive feelings. And here he was feeling really annoyed at the other person, really agitated at the other person for stealing his chickens, as you would, because those chickens were his source of eggs.

9:31Um, at the refugee camp, they have very little food, and that means his children having an egg for breakfast or his wife getting something to eat the next day or not, right? Of course he would feel agitated about that. And he was kind of asking, is that okay? You know? And I didn't answer it really maybe well at the time, but I reflected on it a little bit after and I thought, of course, yeah.

9:58Lea WernliMm-hmm.

9:59Shailia StephensWe feel that agitation. And what I hear you talking about is though, feeling that, but if you had to manage that, if you had to get stuck in that agitated feeling, if you had to make it go away, or if you had to do anything anything at all with it, that would be—

10:18Lea WernliYes.

10:19Shailia StephensThat would be a waste of your time. You know, what, what, what rather, if we let it pass through us in the time it needs to pass through us, we feel it and just let it go. What happens is we come back to our present moment and we come back to our creativity and we come back to our common sense. And we can go, okay, my chicken's gone. Well, is there anything that needs to be done? Maybe there's something to be— maybe there's something to be managed. Maybe, maybe it would make sense to go speak with the neighbor. Maybe it would make sense to start looking for a new chicken or an alternative source of food. You know what I mean?

11:04Lea WernliYes.

11:05Shailia StephensAnd so when you said, if I'm less managing my feelings, I have more capacity to manage my life.

11:13Lea WernliYes.

11:14Shailia StephensI heard it in that very practical way and that very practical question about my chicken got stolen, right? So what are you hearing in that, Leah?

11:24Lea WernliI love that so much, and we, we can go even deeper with that because that's a very, very good example. My chicken got stolen. I'm angry, I'm so angry, I, I burst and I, and I, I say stupid things to my wife because I'm that angry. Then I feel shame. That's all hypocritical. Hypocritical?

11:56Shailia StephensHypothetical.

11:57Lea WernliUm, so hypothetical. Yeah. So if I would scream at my wife, then I feel ashamed. And when I feel ashamed, I'm going to drink a glass of wine because it feels so uncomfortable to be and feel ashamed. See, so that's what, what happened to me. That's what, what's happening to a lot of people. That's what I mean by managing your feelings. To— what, what happens is you, you, you get into this storm of thoughts and you take it seriously, and then you do things out of that strange, agitated feelings. And then you— there are layers and layers that, that get put on that first feeling of, hey, I'm angry, somebody did stole my chicken.

12:56Shailia StephensYeah.

12:57Lea WernliAnd to come back to the fact of, hey, I'm angry, somebody did Stole my chicken. Oh, that's okay. And sometimes it looks as if you're not taking it serious enough if you don't take your feelings seriously. But that's not, not true. Because nobody is helped if you take your, your thinking and your feelings seriously, because You're not seeing it clearly. A revenge is never getting your chicken back. Something done out of this stormy feeling, thinking stuff, causes often more pain to yourself, your family, or somebody else.

14:01Shailia StephensYeah.

14:02Lea WernliSo to really feel whatever needs to be felt is for a moment extremely uncomfortable. And that's why we shy away. We're shying away of feeling sad or a bit anxious because I don't have the chicken anymore. And we, our brilliant mind offers us anger, offers us revenge thinking, offers us rage to feel a bit better for a moment.

14:39Shailia StephensYeah.

14:40Lea WernliInstead of just leaning into the feeling that, that makes us very uncomfortable for a short moment. And to learn that To be with that, to just feel whatever wants to be felt in the moment, really frees up space for real life, as you said. Because when you're done feeling sad and a bit angry because the chicken is gone, we all know that in certain situations. when we felt whatever we needed to feel and it goes away, we do see clear.

15:29Shailia StephensMm.

15:30Lea WernliWe do see, hey, um, I need to speak to the elders in the village, or, um, whatever needs to be done. And that's never an okay sign that stealing chicken is okay. That's not the point at all. That's what our mind is telling us sometimes. It's more, hey, okay, stealing chicken is not okay, and probably we need to find the person who is responsible for that, but that's not what I need to do right now.

16:07Shailia StephensYeah.

16:08Lea WernliRight now I need to feel it, and after that I need to cry a little maybe, and then to hug my wife and say, what the fuck, do you have an idea? What shall we do? do. And from there, we start to see what, what, what's really, um, on the table, what's really there to do for us. Yeah. And life gets easier like that, a lot, a lot.

16:38Shailia StephensYeah, yeah, yeah. While you're talking, well, I have just like sort of a picture in my mind. Um, it's like when you, when you talk about feeling the feeling and then just coming back to what now, just in a really calm space and, and looking again. It's a 2-step process. It's so simple, right? It's feel the feeling, come back home to your, your peace of mind.

17:08Lea WernliYes.

17:09Shailia StephensAnd then see what can be done from there. 2-step process. And the other thing that you described, which I think is so relatable for everybody, and I, and I see it happening in the refugee camps just exactly as you described it, right? Not enough food, frustration about that, then getting angry with the wife and then starting fights and then getting internal strife and then going out and drinking alcohol to cover up the fight. It becomes like an 8-step, 10-step process.

17:39Lea WernliCool.

17:40Shailia StephensAnd, and it repeats itself. So you, you're, you're kind of caught in a constant state of steps to feel better, different, cope, whatever is happening. It just gets so layered and complicated. Um, so when you, when you were speaking, Leah, I heard the utter simplicity of just feeling what you feel.

18:05Lea WernliYes.

18:06Shailia StephensAnd then using your common sense in the next step instead of this massive mess that we can create in the other scenario.

18:17Lea WernliAnd I just have goosebumps, Shelia, because that's, that's it. I, I just want everyone, every single person on this earth to know that. Imagine.

18:29Shailia StephensYeah.

18:31Lea WernliImagine. And, and it changes the world. And it's what Sydney Banks describes in not being afraid of the experience. Of being human. That's it. Feel the feeling, come back to your common sense and do whatever occurs from there.

18:54Shailia StephensYeah.

18:54Lea WernliAnd, and it is super simple and it's absolutely not easy. I get that. It's not easy for our conditioned mind. And I get it. It's like when I see my boys doing whatever they do, or I don't know, it's not picking up the stuff after they cooked or ate, and I get angry and I want to say it, and it's uncomfortable not to say it. Not to scream, not to act then. It is, it is, it's not a good feeling.

19:43Shailia StephensYeah.

19:44Lea WernliIt's sitting on my mouth and on my hand for the moment to feel it. Angry. Ah, why can't they? Didn't we learn it? Whatever. Ah, no, not from there. Not from there. Not to educate, not to do relationships, not to work, not to do anything from there. And it's, it's kind of exercising. It is.

20:16Shailia StephensHmm.

20:16Lea WernliAnd then we fall into it and we do it, and that's fine too. But to become aware more and more and more and to see How everyone benefits. We benefit from it and the entire house, family, workplace, all of the people around us benefit too.

20:43Shailia StephensYeah.

20:43Lea WernliAnd I mean, with something that simple, that simple.

20:51Shailia StephensYeah. Yeah.

20:54Lea WernliEveryone can learn it 1% at a time. Just a little, just a little, just a little.

21:02Shailia StephensYeah. Yeah. So maybe that's just the invitation is just to whatever you feel, lean into that feeling and then let it go. That's really, that's all we ever have to do. It's so, it's so simple. And, and, and the willingness, like Leah said, to be uncomfortable. You know, we do so much crazy stuff to avoid uncomfortable feelings. We do so much crazy stuff.

21:33Lea WernliI know.

21:34Shailia StephensYeah.

21:36Lea WernliYeah. And then it gets worse, people. I know it. Shelia knows it. We all, we know it deeply, really. I did. Some crazy shit to avoid uncomfortable feelings. I get it, but it, it gets worse.

21:53Shailia StephensYeah, totally.

21:55Lea WernliAnd you know what I really love about that? We can start now. You can start right now. No matter how deep in shite you are, you can start right now. Isn't that amazing?

22:12Shailia StephensYeah, it is. It is. It is. So good, Leah.

22:17Lea WernliIt's always, it's so hopeful to me that we point, yeah, in that direction always.

22:26Shailia StephensIt is super hopeful and it's hopeful whether you live in Germany, in America, in Africa. It is universal. It is a universal thing. Um, so yeah, yeah, that sounds, that sounds good, Leah. Um, that sounds good. Should we take it out? Yeah. So yeah, guys, yeah, we hope you heard something in that for yourself today. Um, Leah, thank you for bringing up the topic, um, or wanting to go deeper with that. I thought that was such a beautiful conversation.

23:03And if it, um, helped you in your life, and we know that it will, it can't not, um, you know, you know, is the truth with Amy Goodman. Um, keep listening, tell a friend, recommend the podcast. We really would love for this beautiful conversation to spread further and further because it is, it is absolutely transformational. It, it alleviates human suffering. It is absolutely the case. And so share the love and we hope to see you next time or listen in the next time. Till then, bye-bye. Yeah.

23:35Lea WernliBye.